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“ONLINE SPIRIT”©

Volume XIV
September 4, 1999

gRiEFLECTIONS 
By Judy Divers

Are we Angels first and Angels last?  A little girl said,  “In heaven, we are zero years old”; The little boy whispered in his little baby sister’s ear, “tell me about God, I’m forgetting”; The young football player who never got to play because he wasn’t “good enough” convinced the coach to let him play.  He went on to win the game, playing like he never played before.  When asked by the coach how he played so well, the boy answered; “My dad came to every game and every game I sat on the bench.  This time he saw me and I played for him.  My dad was blind, you see, but now he’s in heaven and can see me play”. 

How do they know?  I remember on this day, seven years ago…my husband’s “Birthday to Heaven”.  After he was taken from our home, my sons and I sat quietly in the living room, drained and lost.  We heard a thunderous like sound echo through the house and we “knew” it was daddy telling us he had made it.  I knew because he had promised me he would let me know somehow that he had made it there.  He knew without question that he was going to a “better place”. 

There are just some things that we “know”.  But how?  The Islam belief is that we are already in immortality, and that the only changes to expect are the transition into your body (birth) and the transition out of it (death).  Bill always said, “The greatest cause of death is birth.“

The closer he came to his transition, the more he seemed to know about where it was he was going.

GROWW was a vision born some five years ago.  It was something instilled in me perhaps by God or maybe by Bill because he knew me so well.  He knew I needed to find a purpose for whatever happened in life, good or bad.  His death needed a purpose and in searching for it, I found purpose for my life.  To find a way to bring hope to all who found themselves facing a future without hope because they lost someone so very precious to them. 

GROWW is because of my husband who had visions of  Angels… perhaps because he was an Angel first and an Angel last.  And GROWW is for each of you with the hope that you find comfort and solace in the sharing of love and pain through all those who come to GROWW. 

 I would like to share a special message left on the message board by "NoBody Special"

"This is to thank a person that I never had the privilege of meeting, at least here
 on earth: Thank you for living the kind of life that allows us to honor you. Thank you for being a shining example of what it means to be a husband, father, grandfather, son, uncle and friend. Thank you for having the insight to know that someday all of us would need a place to turn in our darkest hours of despair. Thank you for being the kind of husband that allowed your wife to be a strong woman and follow her convictions. Thank you for your wisdom and courage not only in your life, but in your death also. Although I never met you, or had even known you existed during your lifetime, I too mourn your loss. At the same time, I rejoice in your life. I am thoroughly convinced that had you not lived the life you did, this place of comfort and sharing would never have existed. On behalf of the hundreds, maybe thousands of people whose lives have been changed because of your life and death, Mr. Bill Divers, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. May God keep you in His everlasting care until we all meet together someday in Heaven.........."

Nobody Special

The GROWW Newsletter “OnLine Spirit”
~Coming Soon to Your Homes~

Through the efforts of the GROWW Staff and in association with Boyd Printing Company, we will be offering subscriptions to all members of GROWW to receive a quarterly newsletter in your homes, to share with families and friends. 

There are many gifted writers on GROWW who are invited to submit their stories or memorial poetry.  We will include articles that we feel would be beneficial to you, to help you through your journey of grief and recovery. 

Please watch for the Links on the main pages to subscribe. 

Our “We Care” Affiliates

GROWW is proud to introduce to your our “We Care” Affiliates.  These are specially selected companies who care about our GROWW members to provide you with the very best of service. Those already participating are:

| The Rosemary Company | American Greetings | Igive.com| People Link | Our Authors… Fern Field Brooks – Julane Grant – William Jenkins |

Last but not least, we especially thank Media Talent Network for our HelpGROWW site for fund raising.  Ms. Heidi Good is an exceptionally talented lady who has contributed her love and time in creating this site for GROWW.  We thank her for her dedication and her believing in our vision to keep GROWW growing for all time.

~ Know what GROWW has for you ~

GROWW is not just chat rooms and message boards.  We have resources, a library, memorial pages, pages of interest, etc.  Please visit our Branch Page branch.htm for more information.

Remember also, this is YOUR PLACE.  We take care of each other here and anyone creating a disturbance in the rooms or being offensive, if there is no host available, you have the right to ask them to stop.  Report them to staff or contact a Host if you can, to come into the room to help you.  We are hoping that Grief Recovery will be hosted 24/7, but until that is accomplished we hope you’ll help keep GROWW a place of solace for all.

Recently we were discussing Acceptance. 
The piece below was taken from the 
Online Spirit Archives.

Acceptance...
The one missing piece

We live our lives from day to day, building dreams, planning for our future, never considering that something will ever happen to shatter those dreams. That always happens to the "other guy". Then one day it isn't the other guy, it happens to us and the life we thought was so safe is suddenly shattered and fallen apart. All the pieces of our dreams have scattered. The struggle to rebuild our lives, to somehow fill the void of the "missing piece" that was taken from us...becomes like the jigsaw puzzle, trying to find a way to bring it all together again and to search for that one missing piece, but what is that missing piece if it's gone from us?

We find the disbelief that this could ever happen to us so overwhelming. We walk through a fog, disoriented, unable to focus on much of anything because we're living a nightmare that should belong to someone else, not us. We're almost numb from the pain because the denial that it happened hasn't sunk in yet.

All the different pieces of our grieving; shock, numbness, denial, depression, confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, guilt, regret, which comes first? We hear the questions "What are the stages of grieving?" There is no pattern when it comes to human emotions.....we are all different. We all react differently because each of us lived different lives, different losses, so who is to say which piece of the puzzle comes first or second or last? How can you tell someone how to grieve when you don't know how they lived? We may not experience all the different stages of grieving.

Anger is a stage of grieving, but is it the same anger for each of us? Some of the anger is displaced anger. Anger towards the one who died and "abandoned" you. But is that anger real? No one wants to die, so how can we be angry at them for dying? There is anger towards the cause of the death or the person causing the death and that is justified anger. There is anger and jealousy that we struggle with because of people we see living their lives without our pain. How can they laugh when we're dying inside? How can they dare mention their spouses or children when ours are gone? Don't they know they are supposed to crawl into that pit of despair with us and know how we feel? Don't they know how cruel and cutting their remarks are when they tell us to "move on, get over it"? We feel so frustrated and guilty because we never felt these emotions of jealousy and anger before, and it's hard to not feel the bitterness. Sometimes to escape all this, we go into a depression and hide from all the emotions that are so tormenting to face. It's easier to just crawl into that hole and stay there then to face the world without them. But is that fair to the rest of your family and friends who also lost that person? Is it fair for them to lose you too? Is it fair for them to come to resent the dying person because their death took a part of you from them?

Letting ourselves become lost in the grief and losing that part of us that loved is a big piece of what was shattered in our lives and what is so hard to put back together. To learn that our pain is because of the love we felt but to let that love die with despair is not fair to anyone. Not you, not your family and friends and not the one who died. Instead of letting the love die with them, let the love keep you going. Let the love give you hope that one day all the pain and anger and despair will diminish with time.

Have you ever looked out the window of an airplane and seen scattered clusters of clouds below? As I looked down, I saw pieces of clouds, all different shapes and sizes, like pieces to a puzzle. But just below each cloud were the shadows of the clouds. I remember thinking, "I know those clouds are so high in the sky, but look at how they appear to be touching, as though spirits separated through death were so far apart, yet seemingly to be touching". Two parts of the same soul, separated but not separate. And I thought, "that one missing piece of the puzzle that we search for may never complete the puzzle as we want it to be completed, because that one missing piece has to be acceptance".

To accept that there is nothing we can do to bring them back to this world, but we accept that they will always be a part of us in separate worlds but always touching our spirits and our hearts and our memories of the love we have for them. For the love does not die when they die, it is eternal love in a different form, separate but always touching our lives. So when all the different pieces of the puzzle, the stages of grief, no matter what form they take, it all comes together finally when we know there is always going to be one missing piece but in place of it comes peace. Acceptance will bring you to that peace when you know finally in your heart that letting go of the pain is not letting go of the love and the memories. Only then will the shattered pieces of our lives come together.

How do we get to that peaceful acceptance? I think we have to go through the pain because of the earthly love we had for them.......when do you feel that peace? When we learn to love them in the spiritual form.....in a new and different way. Maybe that's the answer... I love Bill deeply, in a spiritual love for him, because he's not here to hold me and make love to me and to laugh at my feet or to turn every joke into an italian joke or the pride of remembering him holding our first son for the first time, or our first grandchild. My love for him is changing to memories of all that, of who he was and what he has become today...... God's Angel, watching over us with a spiritual love, as he promised he would. I don't know if that's the answer for everyone, but it was mine.  

With Love to all, Until next time, 
Judy

Online Spirit "Grieflections"©

Volume XII
April 27, 1999

By Judy Divers

Angels Too Soon
Columbine High School

There is something so tragically beautiful happening in this country. Is that an oxymoron, to unite those words? What has happened at Columbine is indeed one of the worst tragedies within our schools. What is happening throughout our country is the most overwhelming outpouring of love and sorrow for the children and their families in Littleton, CO.

When I was 9 years old there was an explosion of a furnace in the Annex of the Cleveland Hill Elementary school in Cheektowaga, NY. The music class was in session and the fire took the lives of 15 of my classmates and there also, were a number of heroes. The Music Director lost her life trying to get the kids out.

It was the middle of winter and when the fire alarm sounded, I wondered why we would be having a fire drill with the snow piled high outside. Like puppets, we silently went into the hallway, lined up as we were told and entered into a place of darkness. The smoke had filled our part of the school. We couldn’t see anything but heard the voice of our teacher telling us to put our hands against the wall to "feel our way" towards the light at the foot of the stairs. Suddenly a "face" appeared and it was our hero, Mr. Restorf, I believe his name was…our principal. He kept telling us to move slowly towards the light and with a chain of hands, we silently did as we were told and got down the stairs and outside in the snow.

We were still lined up, still quiet except for the coughing as we exhumed the inhaled smoke from our bodies. We had no idea what was happening and had no idea our friends were dying.

That was in 1953. A time when in the schools there were no counselors to help us understand what we were going through. At the funeral service, we walked in and saw a line of coffins with pictures of our friends on them. We were told to "be quiet". I can’t express what I felt because I was not allowed to express what I felt. The horror was kept inside. There were no community memorials, no counseling offered, no explanations. Just "be quiet". We were told by the teacher that when the kids who survived the fire return to school, "Don’t stare at their scars".

It wasn’t that our teachers and our community were unfeeling. I believe that in those days they just didn’t understand how to grieve for such a tragedy and what the effects were on the children who lost their friends. Two who died were my very best friends. The names of the students are displayed on our Memorial Pages now, because I have never forgotten the horror of that day.

When I lost my husband and through my journey of grief, I relived all the pain of those I had lost in my lifetime with new feelings and compassion and most of all, understanding.

My "gRiEFLECTIONS" of today, bringing back the yesterdays in my memories and my heart and the feelings are so overwhelming. I can understand the pain of losing your classmates and friends and living through the nightmare of a tragedy. This nightmare is not one any of us can understand, however. The fire was something we could understand, it was an accident. The horrors of Columbine High School was a deliberate act of murdering your fellow students. Who can ever understand what was going through the minds of those young men as they planned to destroy their fellow students? How could anyone have stopped them when no one could have possibly imagined such a plan was in place?

The beauty of this tragedy is the overwhelming bond it has created throughout the world. In the GROWW chatrooms, members from as far away as Australia and Ireland share in the sorrow of the families who lost their children and their teacher and father, their hero, David Sanders.

The memorial services are a dynamic tribute of love and bondage for millions as the world looks on and cries with the families. The open expression of tears and sorrow among men, women and children is something I had never experienced at the time of the fire. For me, it is bringing back the sorrow of their deaths and the sorrow that we could not express ourselves or give them a tribute as beautiful as those that are shown across the nation today.

This tragedy is bringing to the surface of all who have lost a loved one, the pain of our own loss. It is re-opening the painful wounds of grief that we felt in the beginning. Many express their dismay at thinking "I thought I was doing so well and it’s hitting me all over again". That is what witnessing the death of others does to us. It brings us back to that place we were at in the beginning of our losses and we feel it again. We don’t just remember the pain, we "feel" the pain all over again. We not only relive our own pain, we share in the pain of all those families because we "know now" what it is like. A very sad bond indeed.

For this reason, Silenced in the Schools was created last May after the Springfield, Oregon school shootings. To bring together those that have lived through the tragedy of students killing students because their paths to healing might help those who are just beginning the difficult walk through grief.

Students helping students, parents helping parents, teachers helping teachers and all helping each other. Silenced Angels2 was created out of sadness and understanding of knowing how very important it is to be among your peers who know because they have been there with you. Talking to one another, being allowed to express your pain, hearing others tell you it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to yell, it’s okay to feel the anger and it’s okay to take as long as it takes and to do whatever it takes to get through this. And it’s okay to smile again and not feel the guilt of being alive because you lost a part of your soul.

In the days ahead, when all the memorials are over and these families must begin their journey of healing, there are so many of us here who will help. But not only GROWW, the whole world will keep alive the memory of the beauty of this tragedy that took place, because THIS TIME, the world has heard these shots loud and clear and is coming together with this horrible bond of pain and sorrow, to perhaps put a stop to the killings in the schools.

The truth is being heard and I believe that truth is that we need to bring God back into our schools. We need to bring back discipline and take away the fear of confronting our children when they show signs of anger and hatred. Get them help and show them love before it’s too late.

Nothing can take away the pain, nothing can change what happened, but for the sake of all those that perished so senselessly, let us stand together to change tomorrow.

Volume XI
December 15, 1998999

By Judy Divers

Thirty six years ago today was the day that I became Mrs. William E. Divers.  I was 19 years old, he was 21.  We thought we had forever but "forever" lasted just three months short of our thirtieth anniversary.  

When I was 16, Bill went into the service.  We were engaged and I thought I was hot stuff being the only senior at school with an engagement ring.  He left for Germany and was there for two years and nine months.  It was an eternity but I waited for him.  There was a poem in the newspaper that I cut out and read every night. It brought me so much comfort.  I would like to share it with you and a picture of Bill and I on our wedding day.        

Never to Leave you

The hours and the days and weeks
that you have been my own,
have made it quite impossible for me to feel alone.

I mean the many times that you have traveled far...
and every night I had to wish upon that distant star.
I never feel alone, although I miss you desperately,
because I have your promise dear, that you are true to me.

And oh, I hope the day is soon where you shall leave me never,
and I will be with you my love, forever and forever.
author unknown

When Bill lost his battle with cancer September 4, 1992,   I read this at his memorial.  On what would have been our 32 anniversary, I wrote the following second part of this poem.

Holding to that promise

Now you're in a different place, one I cannot see,
but the promise that you made my love, I hold so close to me.
The promise that no matter what, we would not be apart,
I know now what you meant my love,
You are always in my heart.

You knew this when you told me, your faith so ever strong,
I feel you with me always, in the days forever long....
and I hold you to that promise, that in your heart you knew.....
that the echo in my heart would be the sounds of you...
Showing me that you're here my love, watching over me,
for as long as I shall live, our love will always be.
        Judy Divers, your wife eternally

This newsletter is dedicated to my husband Bill for what would have been our 36th wedding anniversary.

I've heard so often how children witness the presence of angels.  Is it because of their youth and their lack of skepticism that they truly believe?  Or is it because their earthly spirits are still feeling the inner knowledge of their heavenly spirit?   Were we all angels first and become angels last?   I wonder sometimes how children have the wisdom of life that adults "forget".  I really wonder.  The visions of angels that children see reassures me that all our loved ones are spiritually alive and spiritually among us.

How close are our angels?  As close as a child's heart.  As close as the echoes of our heartbeats.  As close as we allow them to be by just believing they are there.

During the Holiday season when your hearts are heavy with the pain of missing them, remember the voices of the children who know without knowing, that our angels are among us.  Remember if you can, all the love, for without the love there would be no sorrow of their passing.   When a young lady asked God to take away her pain, He told her, "I can, but to do that, I would have to take away the love".  The love is eternal, it will never end. 

I wish you peaceful holidays and my wish is for all of you to remember that letting go of the pain is not letting go of the love.

Webster describes an anniversary as "an annual recurrence of a date, marking a notable event", a "celebration of an event". Today marks an "event" for our family. Not one I want to celebrate or have repeated. Today is my husband’s "Sixth Birthday to Heaven".

I used the term "Birthday to Heaven" rather than "anniversary" because it seemed to me, to be more distinctive in describing the death of my husband. A date is measuring the passage of time. Six years…it was inconceivable to me the day he died that I would make it past the next day, the next week, and yet, six years later, here I am reflecting back on each year.

The passage of time, the obligatory dates we have to face. Is it a rule that you have to hurt more on this date than you did the day before? It’s almost like a self inflicted wound we have to bear, that on this day, we hurt more. That in the days leading up to the "anniversary of their death" or their birthday or the wedding anniversary we are fearing the arrival of this day.

Year one….. how I hated the anticipation of it. As I reflect back to just before September 4th, 1993, I remember how I didn’t want it to happen. It was like not wanting to turn the page into tomorrow because I didn’t want to leave him behind in the yesterday. I wasn’t ready for the new chapter to begin. The "obligatory mourning period of one year". Who set up that rule? Does there have to be a rule for how long you mourn? I learned on that day that there were no rules that I had to follow. I didn’t mourn for him anymore or any less on that day than in the days since he died. I did make it our day though. I wanted to "be alone with him" with my thoughts, my tears and my memories. I spent the day on our bed looking through countless photo albums, old letters, reading in my diary of the first day we met when I was 15 years old. The day he left to join the army, our engagement when I was 16, our marriage when I was 19 and our first son when I was 20. I reflected on how very young we were and how with each year passing, we began to talk of the day when we would see all our boys grown and married and we would be just "two" again, enjoying our retirement. I think that day I came out of the "fog" I was living in. I wanted to etch into my memory, everything about him and our life together. I wanted to be sure I didn’t leave him behind in my yesterdays.

That first year I was in a fog of sorts. Wearing the mask of "being okay". I didn’t want to "burden" my family and friends with my pain. I didn’t want words of sympathy because it only made me think of my pain and I would fall apart. So I wore the pretense of not needing anyone’s sympathy. I became the comforter rather than the one needing comfort. I hid my pain and as a result, I was not allowing myself to grieve.

There is a card that has the most extraordinary verse that brought me a great deal of comfort that day and it reassured me that Bill was in that place that he promised he’d be.

The Rose Beyond the Wall ~ author unknown

A rose once grew where all could see,
sheltered beside a garden wall,
and as the days passed swiftly by,
it spread its branches, straight and tall.

One day a beam of light shone through
a crevice that had opened wide.
The rose bent gently toward its warmth,
then passed beyond, to the other side.

Now you, who deeply feel its loss,
be comforted.
The rose blooms there,
its beauty even greater now,
nurtured by Gods own loving care

I moved into the second year where reality hit hard. It wasn’t his death that caused me the pain any longer, it was the result of his death and where my life was taking me. Okay, I passed the one year mark. Now, according to the "rules", I was supposed to be okay. Well I wasn’t. All the tears it seemed that I repressed during the "masked days" of my mourning, were hitting me harder. It’s the second year and I should have been "over it" according to the rules. Now that I was through the numbness and the shock, the reality that hit, hit hard. There were no more expressions of sympathy from friends and family because they "saw" that I was okay. Ironic isn’t it? When I needed them most, I had done such a good job of convincing them I didn’t need anyone. I still was not allowing myself to grieve because my one year was over and I had no "right to grieve".

August of 1994, my son convinced me to buy a computer. "Get online", he said. "There are a lot of chat rooms where you can meet and talk to people." There was nothing that really interested me. I went into one room after the other, feeling lonelier than ever because I saw people "talking to each other" and "laughing"… I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere now. Not in the real world or in the cyber world.

Entering the third year. One night in January 1995, 2 years and 4 months since he died, I turned the computer back on. It was a night I’ll never forget. I had pretty much isolated myself from everything. I went to work every day, functioning like a robot. I was totally lost in a world of nowhere to go. My job was just a job, my life was just an existence. I felt more alone then ever. Scrolling down the list of "rooms", they became more blurry through the tears. What was I looking for? "God help me", I cried. There on the very bottom, in the W’s….. Widows and Widowers. I entered that & "room" and from that night on, my life began to change.

Here were men and women, widowed, "just like me". God, it was like finding a place of refuge where suddenly I belonged. These people actually understood exactly what I was going through. I remember thinking how sad it was that there were so many of us, 20…. God I never dreamed how many there were. I realized the tremendous impact this media could have on thousands and thousands of people. Here was a place with real people who finally taught me that I was "allowed to grieve" because they did. There were no rules in this room that said I couldn’t cry because I had reached that one year of mourning. There were no rules there that said I couldn’t feel anger. I was able to forgive myself for isolating myself because I learned that I was not the only one who "wore the mask" and could only allow myself to cry in the darkness of my own bedroom. It was easier to hide my emotions in my own little world than to pretend they didn’t exist. The more I talked, the more I understood, not only myself, but all my friends and family. How could they understand when I didn’t understand myself what this thing called "grieving" was all about.

Since then I realized the effects of death for all bereaved. Losing a child, a parent, a sibling or a spouse is just as devastating to each of us, but each of us grieve differently. We recover differently. Death takes its toll on each of us in different ways. There are no rules of etiquette in death as there is in life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve because we are each different. Losing a spouse is losing the other half of you because your lives became one. Losing a child is losing a part of you that you gave life to. Losing a parent, is losing a part of who gave you life. But each affects the family unit and how they recover from the depths of pain it brings.

Coming to a place of understanding is the first step to recovery from the pain because just knowing that it’s okay to grieve, that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to laugh and it’s okay to live again is healing.

Sharing experiences brings strength and hope. Together we can now learn that anticipation of the "dates" need not be one of fear. We learn to celebrate their life by sharing memories of them for who they were and what they brought to your lives and the lives of all those who knew them. We learn that by "honoring" their memories on those special dates can bring tears, but not tears of anguish. We have the "right to grieve" at any time in our rooms. When it’s time to remember them because of those special days, we learn that it’s okay to "be okay" when they come.

So on this sixth "Birthday to Heaven" my dear husband, thank you for being so much a part of my life while you were here on earth, and for giving me a new life of love and understanding of where it is I am going, how I’m going to get there and the freedom of allowing myself my own right to grieve.

With love to all,
Judy

The chat rooms on GROWW, a place where unconditional love is overwhelmingly prevalent when men and women come together to share experiences and memories. There was no better way to show you than to share an actual chat room log, with the permission of the members, that took place recently. GROWW is a place like no other. Where tears can quickly turn to laughter and back to tears in one discussion. Where everyone accepts and understands what each goes through. No judgement, no critique, no contrivance - just sharing.

The topics come about by a thought of one member and the sharing begins. Last night it focused on "The hardest things we have had to face. Being widowed with grown children, it was grocery shopping for one. Mealtimes were family times. I remember sending Bill to the store with a list of things and among them were "goodies". He would come back with one bag of cookies stating that he couldn’t find anything labeled "goodies". Or when we shopped together, planning the weeks menu as we walked down the store aisles. He’d want liver and I’d be arguing, "the kids don’t like liver". We’d buy it anyway and I’d tell the boys that liver turned to poison if it got cold, so "eat it fast".

For parents who lost a child, passing by the shelf where their favorite foods were, or memories of "Mom, buy me this" would bring tears to your eyes. Or the promise of, "if you’re good, I’ll buy some ice cream for dessert".

It’s funny how the things in our lives that were so common place are the things that can hurt the most. If you read the following log, how many of these things have brought tears to your eyes?

<Nancy> Has anyone ever had anyone come up to them who just found out
about your loss and they are more upset than you are?
<Edith> at first, yes, Nancy, when I was in shock
<Dick> Yes, Nancy.
<JudyDivers> My husbands Doctor wasn't told by the oncologist Nancy
<Nancy> Thought I was being nuts.
<Nancy> Good communication, eh, Judy?
<JudyDivers> he saw I was wearing Bill's cross, and started crying....
<JudyDivers> he knew I wouldn't be wearing it if he were here
<PattiA> Nancy, I had someone ask me last Friday how my husband is.
<GFWOHostDebB> ((((((((((((((((( Judy )))))))))))))))0
<Sparky> ((((((((((((((((((Patti)))))))))))))))
<Dick> I had someone call to tell my wife that another friend had passed
away.
<Nancy> Sheesh
<LanaJo> We've lost the physical presence and we don't want to lose the
spiritual presence.
<Nancy> Absolutely not.
<Phil> don’t think we do lana
<GFWOHostDebB> Your right Lana
<JudyDivers> I've learned to think of Bill as my spiritual husband now.
<Nancy> Judy, that's a good way of looking at it.
<LanaJo> That's really wonderful Judy
<GFWOHostDebB> I like that Judy !
<JudyDivers> I can only love the memory of his laughter and his
touch....
<JudyDivers> I love him now because I know he's watching over me,
guiding me
<PattiA> I like that Judy
<Nancy> Judy, I remember those things more than I remember what he
looked like. Is that usual?
<Sparky> Hey JimK4---I totally believe that spirits of those that pass
before us help guide us--I really do find comfort in that--so many of my
friends that are our age are so paranoid, and don't even want to think
about the possibilities--I embrace the idiosyncrasies--the
"coincidences"
<JudyDivers> I think it is for me Nancy
<JimK4> I hope we're right, Diana
<Cindarella> Always look for signs ... know he's guiding me
<Nancy> Anne, does that mean we can still blame our husbands?
<JudyDivers> I know Bill's sense of humor..... he found Jim for me.
<JimK4> lololol
<Cindarella> yep......I still do that too !!!
<GFWOHostDebB> LOL Judy
<Phil> sure its not a pay back Judy
<JudyDivers> could be Phil. LOL
<Cindarella> LOL
<JudyDivers> He always wanted the last laugh
<LanaJo> Mine threw pill bottles at me this morning.
<Phil> He Wins..............lol
<Cindarella> LOL Judy
<JimK4> and Liz was such a great cook..... she and Bill must be wetting
their pants
<Cindarella> LOL
<Phil> LMAO
<LanaJo> LOL
<GFWOHostDebB> LOL
<JudyDivers> LOW BLOW
<Cindarella> GO JUDY !!!!!
<JimK4> who typed that???? w
<GFWOHostDebB> LOL
<JimK4> hadda be Dick
<Sparky> So Charles--how are things REALLY going?
<Cindarella> want to watch you wiggle or should I say worm yourself out
of this Jim !!!
<JimK4> <----mum
<Cindarella> good idea Jim
<Nancy> Probably a good idea Jim
<Cindarella> LOL
<GFWOHostDebB> LOL
<JimK4> think I'll munch on some leftovers....
<Cindarella> if he's still laughing ...smack him upside the head Judy
<JimK4> First's
<charles> the stupidity of insurance companys.
<JudyDivers> Facing the firsts?
<Cindarella> good one
<Nancy> The seconds after the shock is gone?
<Cindarella> anticipation is worse than the actual day
<JudyDivers> that's very true Anne
<JudyDivers> What are some of the hardest things you've had to do after?

<LanaJo> Hope so Anne, have one coming up.
<JudyDivers> for me, it's grocery shopping.
<JimK4> ironing
<Nancy> Admit I was single.
<Sparky> I hope so--our 21st anniversary will be coming up on the 13th
<JudyDivers> seeing "widowed" on a form
<Nancy> Yup
<Lowell> Finding out the vacuum cleaner doesn't have an auto-pilot
<JudyDivers> ((((((((((Lana, Diana)))))
<Cindarella> 1 1/2 next month
<LanaJo> Closing our joint checking account
<Cindarella> 1 name on the checks
<Phil> got 2 more checks to go..........
<Sparky> LanaJo--starting a checking account
<radar> closing checking account was hard and getting new one
<Lowell> I haven't even tackled the closets yet
<JudyDivers> Wow, those are hard ones
<radar> I did not do closets for one year
<Cindarella> and the worst........American Cancer Society still calls
and asks for him to donate !!!!
<LanaJo> Picking out the clothes for him to wear in coffin.
<Nancy> Things I am afraid to throw out in case the boys decide they
want them.
<GFWOHostDebB> ((((((((((((((((( Anne )))))))))))))))
<Cindarella> If I get one more check that says to the estate of I'm
gonna scream
<JudyDivers> I can't throw his license away, it's like getting rid of
his identity altogether
<LanaJo> I have the money that was in his wallet the day he died.
<Cindarella> I have his license and work id badge with his pic on it
<Nancy> Finding stuff he misplaced years ago, right where it should be.
<LanaJo> Won't spend it.
<PattiA> Michael had applied for a hunting license it came in the mail
last week
<radar> I also have not even looked at pictures yet
<radar> I have a entire drawer full
<charles> going to probate and being named guardian of your own children

<LanaJo> Got fishing tackle 2 weeks after his death.
<Nancy> Me either, Phil
<JudyDivers> You need to try Phillip...
<JudyDivers> I needed to see him before the cancer destroyed him.
<radar> it has been 2 yrs so I should but I don't want to
<Cindarella> me too Judy
<JudyDivers> it really helped me to look at the pictures
<LanaJo> Your kidding Charles, you had to do that?
<Sparky> The clothes for me were really pretty easy--Jerry HATED
suits--made me promise that he'd be buried in jeans and a flannel
shirt--first words out of my oldest sons mouth was--your gonna bury dad
in a flannel sheet and jeans, aren't you---YOU BET!
<GFWOHostDebB> Me too Judy, and the videos to hear his voice
<radar> I see her face on the wall and the bedroom everyday
<Cindarella> only have a few of when he was sick.....wouldn't let me
take any
<Nancy> Helps you remember the "whole" times?
<JudyDivers> Good Diana... I hope you did
<Phil> trying to make sense out of how someone who you spoke to 6 hours
earlier can leave you so quickly
<charles> taking her voice off the answer machine.
<radar> know that feeling Phil
<Cindarella> (((((((((((((((((((((((( Phil )))))))))))))))))
<JudyDivers> (((((((Charles, Phil)))))))
<radar> I just bought a new answering machine
<Cindarella> haven't done that yet Charles
<LanaJo> ((((((Phil, Charles))))))))
<JudyDivers> I still have the tape of Bill
<radar> kept her voice on the old one
<charles> i saved the tape princess
<LanaJo> Me to Phillip
<Lowell> looking for a blank piece of paper in a notepad and finding an
"I love you" she had left a while back
<PattiA> his 28 year old asking where is guns were after Michael said he
couldn't have them
<JudyDivers> (((((Lowell))))))
<Phil> (((LOWELL)))
<Sparky> Yes I did Judy--and I even had the shirt un-buttoned half-way
down his chest--you'd have to have known him--in-laws weren’t too
impressed--Oh well
<LanaJo> Or every notepad you pick up has his writing on it.
<Cindarella> ((((((((((((( Lowell ))))))))))))))))
<radar> I found notes for over a year and a half
<JudyDivers> Bill was cremated, so the picture I chose was him sitting
in his crane, sticking his tongue out at everyone
<radar> cried almost every time too
<Nancy> Tom redid the files in my office. New ones for everyone. They
all have his handwriting on them.
<radar> Joan had documented her illness from the start
<LanaJo> OH Judy, I have one like that of Ralph standing at Devils Tower
sticking his tongue out.
<JudyDivers> yes,,, just seeing their handwriting.
<radar> and they quit the day she was diagnosed terminal
<Sparky> I still cry radar--just went to the cemetery yesterday--
<radar> that really hurt to see her just quit
<JudyDivers> ((((((Phillip)))))
<radar> but I can still smile when she told her oncologist to go to hell
with her chemo
<radar> still can laugh at the expression on her face
<JudyDivers> She didn't go through Chemo Phillip?
<Sparky> ((((((((((((radar)))))))))))))))))))))
<radar> not a drop
<GFWOHostDebB> ((((((((((((((((( Phillip )))))))))))))))))
<radar> she wanted to keep her hair
<JudyDivers> I wish Bill never took it
<Cindarella> ((((((((((((((((( Phillip ))))))))))))))
<radar> and she sure did to the end
<Sparky> She was a very brave lady
<Cindarella> me too!!!! I swear it killed him
<radar> she was too
<Phil> well if anybody flies into Kennedy airport.....say Hi to Pam as
the plane comes in for landing, her ashes in Jamaica bay..........
<LanaJo> I got to keep Ralph for 3 more years because of it.
<Nancy> I think it does too, Anne
<radar> they only were giving her 10 to 20 % chance of any help with it
<LanaJo> But in the end that is also what killed him
<Cindarella> and he said he wouldn't have it if he lost his hair......he
never did lose his hair
<JudyDivers> it's hard to make the decision, but with pancreatic cancer,
there was no chance and it took the quality of his life, what he had
left, away
<radar> so she said what is the use
<Phil> nite everyone(((((((((((((((LOVE TO
EVERYBODY)))))))))))))))))))))
<Lowell> see ya (((Phil))))
<JimK4> see ya Phil
<radar> but I cut off her pony tail after she died and now have it
stored away
<JudyDivers> ((((((((Night Phil))))))))
<Nancy> Nite {{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Phil }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
<GFWOHostDebB> Nite (((((((((((((((( Phil ))))))))))))))))))
<radar> nite Phil
<LanaJo> ((((((((((Phil))))))))Sleep softly hon....
<Sparky> That's because the chemo kills the good cells right along with
the bad
<Lowell> (((Philip)))
<Cindarella> thats right Diana
<radar> knocks you down big time to try and get you better
<radar> spelling stunk there
<Phil> Ciao......................................................
* Phil exits stage right
*** Parts: Phil
<PattiA> we know what you meant
<LanaJo> We went through 5 different chemos last year.
<Lowell> In our case, I think the chemo gave us some extra time...remind
me to tell the eyebrow story sometime
<Cindarella> gotta go nite (((((((((((((( Family )))))))))))) love you
all
<LanaJo> Same here Lowell, it gave some time.
<Nancy> Chemo wasn't an option with us. And I think I'm glad.
<charles> bye princess
<Cindarella> telling a 5 yr old Daddy's gonna die
<JudyDivers> One thing about the one year anniversary... it helps me to
think of it as their Birthday to Heaven.
<JudyDivers> ((((((((((((Anne))))))))
<GFWOHostDebB> telling 5
<radar> telling anyone someone is dying sucks
<Cindarella> yep.......
<LanaJo> for sure
<GFWOHostDebB> tell 5 yr old Daddy is never coming home again
<charles> having them tell you is not so good either..
<Lowell> ((((((DEB))))))
<radar> telling them they are gone really SUCKS
<Nancy> I remember sitting at the picnic table and discussing the
diagnosis with the boys. All of us crying.
<Cindarella> but I'll never forget the look in my sons eyes that Daddy
will never come home again
<JudyDivers> (((((((Anne, Nancy))))))))
<GFWOHostDebB> I know Anne...me either
<LanaJo> (((((((Anne, Nancy, Deb))))))))))
<radar> I had to get up and tell Joan’s mom in the other room her
daughter was gone
<JudyDivers> I never got the chance to tell my kids, the damned doctor
blurted it out in the hallway among strangers
<Nancy> {{{{{ Judy }}}}}}}}
<radar> nice guy Judy sorry
<GFWOHostDebB> (((((((((((((((((( Judy )))))))))))))))))
<LanaJo> We were all in the room with him when he died.
<Cindarella> DX was bad......pretty vivid....I knew when he called me
and said the Dr wanted to see both of us.....sat in my bosses office for
about an hr crying
<JudyDivers> my youngest ran out of the hospital
<radar> I was holding Joan in my arms
*** Joins: Gatorlope
<Cindarella> us too Lana....we layed on his bed with him when he died
<Sparky> (((((((((((Judy))))))))))))))How awful
<charles> not being able to hold or touch her...
<PattiA> leaving him alone at the hospital morgue
<GFWOHostDebB> Not being there when he died
<Nancy> Saying the good bye after he passed
<JudyDivers> I held onto Bill's hand until I realized it wasn't him any
longer
<LanaJo> (((((((Patti,Charles)))))))
<radar> watching the funeral home take her away and know she was going
to be cremated that day hurt like hell to
<Sparky> I wasn't with Jerry when he died either--our daughter was--10
years old
<JudyDivers> ((((((Phillip)))))))
<Sparky> ((((((((((((((((radar)))))))))
<radar> then going 2 days after and all they give you was a box
<Gatorlope> Type Hi,everyone... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}} for
those sad memories
<LanaJo> ((((((Diane))))))))
<charles> talking with the medical examiners.
<Lowell> I consider myself VERY fortunate that she died in my arms
<Nancy> On the bathroom floor, holding him, watching the life go.
<GFWOHostDebB> watching them load George on the top of his beloved
firetruck
<LanaJo> Same here Lowell.
<radar> I was blessed Joan did that also Lowell
<radar> a moment I will never forget
<LanaJo> Oh Deb, what a memory.
<charles> i was not able to touch her till the funeral home..
<LanaJo> He looked so like himself at the funeral home.
<GFWOHostDebB> it is Lana, but a very hard one
<Lowell> So did Karen, she was beautiful
<LanaJo> Just as he had when he died a look of utter peace.
<Nancy> The EMTs cleaned my house after I left for the hospital with
him.
<JimK4> wow...that was nice, Nancy
<radar> Joan looked tired when she first was gone but before they got
her she was at a great peace
<LanaJo> They are wonderful people, Nancy.
<Nancy> They sure were. I need to contact them.
<charles> some of them are lana
<radar> many are human also
<LanaJo> I know Charles I had 3 good ones and 1 not so good one.
<radar> and they know what they have to do
<Nancy> They didn't want me to come home to the mess. Not pretty.
<charles> that first person you had to call when you came home..
<JudyDivers> The EMT's only see the tragedy of those nights, I think it
helps them to know how the families appreciated what they did to help.
<PattiA> seeing the nurse put he toe tag on him
<JudyDivers> It helps them to know they made a difference by trying
<JudyDivers> they need to know they are thought of as human beings that
hurt too
<Nancy> Not just robots
<GFWOHostDebB> Yes Judy, they DO take it to heart...believe me, George
cried many nights over those things !
<JudyDivers> My son lost a little girl to a drowning in his ER last
week.... it really hurts him, especially the children
<Nancy> Especially the children
<GFWOHostDebB> The kids are the hardest
<JudyDivers> oh I know, it breaks my heart to see the memorial pages for
the children
<GFWOHostDebB> Mine too
<JudyDivers> Some of them, I see a look of an angel in their eyes
<Sparky> I think I've said this before in this room--when I got the call
that Jerry was unconscious in the woods--thought that maybe he had just
fallen---I had just talked to him 20 minutes before--it was like an out
of body experience--he was gone immediately--but what I remember the
most is the ""peace that passes all understanding"--what I had heard
from little on in church--I got it--I told my minister that--and he
looked at me with a different look--

And there we are…… how many times have people looked at us with a different look? Losing someone so very precious brings about so many changes in our lives. Each day is a struggle to get through the day to day activities without breaking down because of something that triggers our emotions so deeply, the tears can’t be controlled no matter how hard we try. We can be alone or in a public place, it doesn’t matter.

The wonder of the healing that takes place in the GROWW chat rooms is the freedom of expression of your pain. To see the men and women speaking openly with no fear of being "looked at differently" because you are expressing pain or laughter that stems from the death. When through the pain, laughter can emerge. There is the beginning; the first step to healing. I read the log and I am overwhelmed with the bond that is shared and the love. The hugs, the "LOL"s, the sharing, it’s all a
part of what we all need to get through what is probably the worst time in our lives and know that here is a place where no one looks at us differently. It is the unconditional love that is in this place and it is THAT which helps make us GROWW……

With love to all,
Judy

The concept of GROWW is to help bring a purpose once again to all those who faced what seemed to be the "end of their world" because they lost someone, a spouse, a child, a parent, someone who was so much a part of their lives that losing them brought their lives to a halt.

The success of GROWW is because of the men, women and children coming together to share their pain, their experiences, their love and support with each other. Two things have proven the success of the online support community of GROWW. All those who have come and found purpose and hope for their lives again and have moved on and for those who stay behind to become "Hosts", to
"give back" to the members, what they gained from being a part of the GROWW community.

The love and commitment of GROWW is to bring to it's members, the love and support through encouraging them to "just get through today" by listening and talking with others who truly understand what they are going through. To help them find purpose in their lives once again, to know that
there is hope that tomorrow can have a place where there is peace and acceptance to know it's going to be okay.

With the permission of the "authors", I would like to share some of the testimonies given.

Sarah is a young woman who lost her husband and five year old daughter to a drunk driver and later the child she was carrying. Sarah has been sharing her nightly journals to her husband with me and over the past few months, I have seen a new woman emerge, one who has come so far, she is a Host for GROWW, giving back the love and support she received. She is now GADDHostSarah for
GROWW against drunk driving and GRHostSarah for Grief Recovery.

"These last few days have been very okay......even good at times.......yes, good. There, I said it and I can't believe I said it but I did. Oh, there’s still a million things running through my mind.......and I'm not sleeping,,,,,,,but the days, they are filled with a sense of "being".........there hasn't been that sense in along time.......of actually living....I have felt alive, but not living, or is that living but not alive.
Anyway........the point being........I am discovering it is ok to go on and live, even though your gone........for, really, your still here in the only way you can be........and I'm truly grateful for that. I mean I could be alone.......a person alone who had never experienced what I have.........the love..........God, I wish everyone could feel such love and commitment for and from another person. And I know what Judy says is so right............It's because of the love that we feel the pain...........Its a proof of the love.........So in times of complete darkness.....and loneliness, when the
pain is burning.........I need to remember that its because of the love...........not an absence of the love that’s creating the pain. Its the absence of you.....but the love remains. And that’s the part that’s so hard to "get used to" these days........is the absence of you........of you not being here.......of the little things that don't happen because your not here. Its the missing........and the littlest things can make me angry..........because its all due to the fact that your not here that I feel these feelings.......and that makes me angry, that your not here. But the mission now is to walk on........with you guiding my path. I'm not sure how this is done......but I'm coming to believe that it just IS. I have to have faith or else I could never get through this. I said months ago that my faith was gone.....and I remember Judy said that it wasn't gone, just hiding is the words she used I think. Well, again I think she was
right......for I see now that if it had been truly gone.........I never would
have made it this far........there had to have been faith. Its "funny" how I
ended up here.........the way I found GROWW........and I don't mean funny ha
ha.......no, more funny, peculiar...........it wasn’t by accident.......it
couldn’t have been........no, it was divine intervention perhaps........you
leading me here......even back then when I couldn’t believe it, refused to
believe....just really wanted to die instead of opening my eyes. But even
back then........the faith must have still been simmering.........for I felt
an immediate kin-ship........and felt that maybe this was the way to where
ever I needed to be. Oh it was very subtle back then........but I can see it
now........the bond that took hold and carried me through to such a time as I could start
standing myself.......and then after standing, taking those small little baby
steps......falling and getting back up to take a few more........
Babe, for so long I had said that I didn’t feel you here...that I couldn’t
understand why you weren’t with me........that I needed that feeling so bad
and it was like you were ignoring me almost. But now.......I can look back
and see how I was.......and although I cant see where I'm going, I know that
I'm going somewhere.......and way back then I can see how you were with me
every step of the way. You brought people into my life that I needed to
have......you helped me to reach out..little by little...........and you've
kept me safe even in the midst of my miss-thinking. I truly believe that
maybe you work through and with whatever you can to help me here....and if
that’s the case.......what an awesome thought............how many marvelous
angels there must be "working" for GROWW..........."

The following is a letter from GRHostSharlen, a lady who is now dedicated to the members growth and recovery from grief because of her own experience. This letter was written to CNN after GROWW appeared on its program.

"I was so pleased as I watched GROWW recognized on your Headline News this
morning. The unselfish dedication of Judy Divers, Randi Rauh Tyler and others
at GROWW deserves recognition. As a young widow and recent addition to the
GROWW membership, I cannot say enough about the organization. At the most
difficult time of my life, the caring hosts and members of GROWW have lovingly
supported and encouraged me in my own journey of grief. It is an unfortunate
fact that so many are grieving, feeling lost and alone. Within the rooms of
GROWW, we are joined together in an understanding of the overwhelming phases
of grief. After hours of counseling, grief and post traumatic stress therapy,
I found the loving support and healing that I so desperately needed in the
fellowship of GROWW. Thank you for allowing this information to get to the
public and to the thousands in this country who have lost loved ones."

And this one from a member who I hope will become a Host for us soon.

"Judy,
Hi! I just thought I'd write you a quick note to update you. I am feeling
better about a lot of things in my life that I have finally realized I have no
control over. It hasn't been an easy thing to realize and I have cried a lot
of tears, but I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful healthy kids. I
have learned that life will go on even if you don't want it to. Even if I die
the sun will come up just as beautiful tomorrow as it did today and life will
go on. I miss my brother Bill so much but instead of focusing on the fact
that he is gone I am trying to focus on the fact that I am living, and
remembering the time that we were given to be together here on this earth. I
guess you can say I have taken what I feel is another Judy Divers baby step in
my grief process. Once again I thank you for these rooms and I thank Bill
Divers for being your strength and strive to help others. I may not have met
you personally face to face, and someday that will come, but I do feel your
love and kindness in your newsletters and your sincerity to fellow GROWW
family. Thank you Judy from the bottom of my heart Thank You for always being
here 7 days a week whenever anyone needs you. Your the best. Love Jane"

GROWW is striving to bring to you every possible avenue of assistance, whether it’s through our chat rooms, our message boards, the Email to Heaven page, our Resource page where we find the most informative links to areas that provide a world of information or our Memorial Landscape page where our members can place tributes to the memory of love. We hope that you will visit our HOST
PAGE where you can "meet your Hosts" and read their stories.

From the letters above, you can see what GROWW is about. A place where members help members, where we encourage and support you every step of the way, not always easy steps, but we hope to make them easier for you. To know that your life will hold promise once again to go on to new and different avenues because you learned that although we can’t change what brought us to a
Grief Support group, we CAN change what happens because of it. We can move forward with new hope.

With love to all,
Judy

Volume VII
April 20, 1998

Cries of the Soul

There are different kinds of tears. The tears of the soul, those painful cries that come from someplace inside us, shared with those we love. I believe they cry with us, knowing our struggle to find that understanding. Once we can accept, the tears become the cleansing of the soul. Good tears and those I believe are shared tears also. When we can put the torment to rest, we can let them rest in peace. Tears that come from pain become silent tears of cherished memories.

When Bill spoke of death, he often said that the foremost cause of death was birth. A very simple deduction of reasoning. The "why we die" question that everyone asks.

A child growing inside the womb is of the spirit. The baby was and always will be alive in the spirit of God. A young woman who lost her child had a dream. She could not identify her baby among the many in the nursery she visited in her dream. The face she never saw remains alive in her heart because the spirit of the unborn child remains eternal. "An unborn Angel".

Reasoning…. This is what I feel in my heart. Bill was a brilliant man. I knew without question that the energy that made his mind work simply could not "go away". It had to continue on a different level than any of us can understand. Heaven is not a place that we understand but we "know it's there". We can only see glimpses of heaven while we are on this plane of life. The spirit is more powerful than the mind because the comprehension of the spirit is of God, not of earthly reasoning. Therein lies the faith of substances unknown, evidences of things unseen.

There are cries of the spirit that come from deep within us. My torment of seeing Bill hemorrhage from the mouth as his spirit left this world would not leave my mind. My fears that he was in great pain consumed my every thought. The cries that came from inside my soul I believe were shared tears, Bill's and mine. Evidence of this was when he came to me while in a semi-wakened, semi-sleep state one night after I cried those cries from deep inside.

The only way I can describe him was "fresh". His skin had a glow like a baby almost, a softness. "Fresh". He walked towards me and I remember thinking how wonderful he looked. There was no real age that I could tell. As he approached me, he kissed me. I could feel his touch. He backed away and I could see blood on his mouth. I awoke; fully awake with the strong taste of blood in my mouth but I still saw him standing there. My eyes were opened and he was smiling, the blood still there, but he was smiling and he told me, "I'm okay". The tears that came then were tears from my eyes, not from my soul because I knew with every part of my being that he was indeed, "okay". He was telling me that he was not in pain from the hemorrhaging that happened after he left his body. He was telling me that he would always be there for me when I needed him most. I truly believe those cries deep within my soul was Bill's spirit crying with me. The almost animal like sounds that are not my own.

The "E-Mail to Heaven" page on GROWW is one of the most powerful evidences of faith that I've seen. "The communication of the spirits". The pain that comes from the love we felt and the peace that comes with the acceptance that they are with us for all eternity. That "one missing piece".

The struggle to find that peace is like trying to climb a sand hill. The constant battle with all our emotions. There is the anger, the loss of trust, the unknown, the fear, the horrible ache from missing them so much, the disbelief that it ever happened. The struggle to grasp within our minds that we will never see them again is almost too much to accept. The questions that torment us, "what could I have done", "why didn't I do more?" "Why didn't I have a chance to say goodbye?" The harder we try to find the answers ourselves, the harder it is to climb that sand hill. It crumbles beneath us and hinders our steps toward recovery.

When Bill appeared to me, it was when he knew that it would bring me peace. The nightmares and thoughts of him that tormented me, were my fears, my pain, and my anger. Those moments were the times when I wanted to die too. His signs were only given to me when he knew it would make me want to live, not die. Some of the signs were just a thought or an image in my mind when I knew it was Bill. Now as I have come to this place of acceptance, he no longer appears to me as he did, yet I "feel" his presence. We are both at rest now.

When Bill appeared to me as "fresh", somehow it gave me the knowledge that all the things left undone were washed away. The spirit reckoning with the spirit. Things in our life that may not have been brought to the surface are understood with the wisdom of God and the love of the spirit. It's a new beginning of reconciliation. A merging of the souls, just as the shared cries of the soul is so evident because they just "know". They feel our pain and they cry with us. They feel our peace and they are at rest with us. They feel our acceptance and they make themselves known to us when we can accept. When we can put aside the guilt, when we can know that letting go of the pain is not letting go of the love. When we can forgive ourselves for not dying. When we can finally reach the top of that sand hill and it doesn't crumble beneath our feet. That sand hill becomes the steps of recovery, the solid ground that we need so we can walk on that path towards acceptance. When we know in our hearts that we have not been abandoned but that we have started fresh with a renewal of the spirit that communicates in a way that we can only feel when we reach the end of our struggle. It is almost as though the tears of the soul strengthens us, packing those grains of sand firmly to give it solid footing to climb the sand hill that becomes our strength.

There is an abundance of strength in the GROWW community because each of us has been there. "The spirit of love and the shared tears". The evidence of this is the power of the healing that is abundant. The presence of our Angels is a powerful force in the success of the online community called GROWW because we are all led there to climb that hill together. We can and we will reach the top and put to rest those cries of the soul that keep us from getting there.

The following is an excerpt of a letter sent to me from Sarah, a young woman who only eight months ago, lost her husband and five year old daughter to a drunk driver and subsequently, the baby she was carrying. With her permission I would like to share how Sarah describes her steps towards recovery.

Subj.: Re: Journal-April 19
Date: 98-04-21 04:08:55 EDT
From: Sarah1961
To: JDivers

In a message dated 98-04-20 10:31:13 EDT, you write:

<< You are finding the missing piece honey... that peace that comes with acceptance and especially understanding that there will always be days where it will hurt more than others, but that's okay because we know now that we'll get through them too. >>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Judy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

That's it, I know now. There doesn't seem to be that overwhelming, this is impossible to live through feeling...I think I'm beginning to see that indeed somehow I will get through the "bad days". It was scary for a awhile. All the old feelings just kind of came rushing in. I think it is being vulnerable that I hate the most... and that scares me the most. As I have been experiencing these new found feelings that I can have and enjoy good days...It was just a shock to suddenly be thinking about all the awfulness. I thought it was behind me.... so to be so affected, even momentarily......just reminded me of how "emotionally" vulnerable I am. And made me afraid for a moment that maybe this goodness that I have been experiencing was over.

I'm beginning to see/hope that the good days are not ever over.... and I'm sure neither are the bad.........yet there has to be a balance to this as there is to everything else in life.......and that I'm sure comes with that 4 letter word "Time".

I have struggled for so long to get to this place that I am actually content to just enjoy the moment. I wondered, and wondered how I would ever make it through. Well now I know.... I have to open the door first.

Have you ever seen a rosebud in a garden? I love roses but hate to wait for them to bloom. And seeing a tiny new bud, I would think that it would take forever before it would bloom. But then one morning, seemingly without warning...it would be opening.....its petals stretching out and displaying its beauty. I never saw the steps in-between...just the open Flower. Well, this may sound rather corny...but I have felt like that rose the last few days. That I have been waiting and waiting to get to a place of peace......and then seemingly without warning...there I am. I don't think I took the steps in-between but just woke up one morning and there it was. Or maybe I did, maybe that's part of the acceptance. I don't know...but I like where I'm at for the moment....knowing that even when I'm scared or hurting so.......there is still the light that is waiting to light my way. I just need to turn it on...and open the door. That is what GROWW provides...the avenue to help get the door open, provides the source for the light.........the Hope.

Well, I wasn't going to journal tonight.....too tired...just wanted to write you a brief note.....and yet here I am a page later.....Oh well. What I wanted to say was that because of GROWW...because of You my friend...I have gotten to this place where I feel OK with being alive...and I could never thank you enough...and words could never express what you mean to me.

I love you,
Sarah

This says it all. Sarah writes her journal almost nightly and shares it with me. The power of healing that comes from writing from the soul brings out the fears, the innermost thoughts that come through without your even realizing what is being written sometimes until you look back at the words. Is it the communication of the spirit that is with us without realizing it until the words written suddenly bring the peace and acceptance that indeed, there is "an angel among us"? It's the peace that comes with the understanding that there is no changing what happened, but as we heal, we know that we can change how it will affect our lives because of it. We can move forward knowing that until our "birth brings us death", we can give to this life, the very best we can give, knowing that all our loved ones are not gone from us completely and we are never alone.

With love,
Judy

First edition, Volume VI
March 5, 1998
Reflections
The steps to GROWW

March 29, 1989 - A call from my husband's boss came in while I was at work. "Bill is being taken to the hospital in an ambulance". My heart sank with that telephone call. All I was told was that a steel beam was dropped on him. I don't even know how I got to Mt. Sinai, the hospital in Miami Beach but somehow I did. As I entered the emergency room Bill told me he didn't want me there, didn't want me to see his crushed leg. They wouldn't give him any pain medication because they were waiting for the orthopedic surgeon to arrive and determine if an amputation was going to be necessary. Bill had to be alert to sign the papers. He was in extreme pain.

For the first time in our marriage, it was up to me to take control for his well being. Bill was my protector, my strongest force and I knew that no matter what, he was going to take care of me. He was lying there helpless and it was up to me to protect him, to fight to see that he was cared for.

That night they tried to reconstruct the foot, later that week they removed part of it and inside of a week, had to amputate it to just below the knee. There was no saving it.

Just before the accident, things were kind of shaky in our marriage. We told each other this accident was in a way, a blessing. I told Bill, "Now I know why there were so many problems in our lives, because God was preparing us for this one". I was wrong; God was preparing us for the cancer that followed two years later. This accident brought us closer than we had ever been in our
entire 30 years together.

Losing a leg is a grieving process. He lost a part of his body. It was a long process of learning to walk again with a prosthetic. Thinking back of all that he went through has helped me tremendously with the coping of his death.

There were the "phantom" pains he went through. Although his leg and foot were gone, he felt it. It was the nerve endings that the portion of his brain controlled that made him "feel" the cramps in his calf or the foot falling asleep, and the itching and tingling and even his ingrown toenail hurt. He
would wake up at night with "cramps" in his calf that was not there. Just as I would wake at night reaching for the part of me that was not there and I felt the pain. My brain told me he was gone but my heart, the part of me that was Bill, couldn't accept it.

Learning to walk again using the prosthesis was a very painful process. As Bill put it, there was a constant thought process with each step he took. The steps you take are automatic, the steps he now had to take were slow and were painful. Just as it is with the grieving process. His course of action was one that was unique; it had to be "fitted" to his specific loss. Just as each of us is unique in our losses, our strides to learning how to "walk all over again" have to be whatever it takes for each of us. No matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes, it's going to hurt as we take each step, but the more time and determination we give it, we will walk again, straight and strong, feeling the pain less and less as time goes by. But in the process, just as Bill's remaining portion of his leg became stronger and became less painful, so will our recovery.

Bill was never able to return to work because of the liabilities of potential harm to an amputee on a construction site. He joined a support group for men who lost their livelihoods in the prime of life. This was where I learned the importance of peer groups. Sharing and understanding the pain of losing something so important. Only these men understood what each was going through
because they had been there. Even the psychologist who brought this about didn't fully understand, but knew the importance of letting these men share their experiences. I saw a bond growing with those men. They became good friends and of all our friends, those were the people who supported us the most when Bill later got cancer and who were there for me after he died. Because of a bond formed from the loss.

The eyes are a reflection of the spirit. As time passed I saw his eyes lose that spirit. Going through a lawsuit is a very traumatic experience. It prevents you from having closure on the pain of the injury. The anger in the negligence of the unlicensed operator, the not being able to move ahead until
it's over, the constant reminder of it all. The lawyers warned Bill not to do certain things even though he obviously lost a leg; they didn't want him functioning at all. It "looked" better for the case. We hated this and Bill refused to be something he was not. For the first time in his life, Bill
became depressed. His spirit was broken. Losing the leg was hard enough, but this made him feel like less of a man in his mind. I watched a man who was never sick a day in his life, become more and more depressed.

Right after the amputation and before he got his prosthesis there was a small kitchen fire and I was "blowing out the flames". I didn't want him to know. But he saw the flash of light on the wall and tried to come help me. He had forgotten he didn't have a leg and jumped out of the chair to come into the kitchen. He fell and was crawling to the kitchen. I managed to put the fire out and went over to him lying there and for the first time, I saw my husband crying. He said he had never felt so helpless in his life. He could no longer protect me, he said. For the first time, as much as he was against it, he bought a gun. He felt that HE could not protect me but that gun would. I hated that. He would take his shower and go to all the trouble of putting on his "leg" just to come to bed. He hated not having it on because without it he felt like a cripple. At night that's how he felt. It destroyed me to see my husband become fearful. But his fear was never for himself. It was because he felt that he could no longer provide for and protect his family.

Bill was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September of 1990. The days to come were the most devastating. The shock of hearing the words, "Your husband has one year if he's lucky. The role of caretaker was thrown at me. The struggle to make whatever time he had left the very best I could was getting harder and harder each day as I watched his spirit fading even more. I think the most painful day was the day Hurricane Andrew was getting ready to hit south Florida. My oldest son Rob had flown in from Texas. By this time Bill couldn't even lie in a bed because the pain was so bad. He could only sit erect on the living room sofa. He sat there almost in a daze and I saw pain in his eyes as he watched his sons barricade the house and go about doing all the things you do in preparation for a hurricane. I could almost read his thoughts. "This should be me taking care of my family". My heart broke for him because he was always the one to be our protector. He had to watch his sons barricade the patio glass doors to protect Bill from any shattered glass. He sat almost still throughout the storm and I knew the storm within him was more devastating than the one outside our doors.

It was almost as though Bill was "weaning" me from him. He no longer slept in our bed. We no longer had our morning ritual of reading our paper and having our coffee together. Little by little I saw my husband fading away from the life we knew. The hope was fading that he was going to be able to fight this horrible, horrible disease. When the weight loss became too much and he could no longer wear his prosthesis and we had to get a hospital bed for him, I think that was when I knew Bill lost every bit of spirit he had left. He was a cripple again. Once again that helpless feeling was there and I knew the pain of that was worse than the pain of the cancer. His steps were taken from him. He knew he would never walk again.

One week later he died and I became a widow. My God, those words haunted me. As much as I thought I was prepared for this, there was no way I could ever know what it would be like to actually have him gone.

In a few short years I changed from being a wife to being the head of the household, to becoming a caretaker and finally a widow. Widowed, how do you prepare for that? I knew he was dying but the reality wasn't there until I saw him die. I knew I'd be without him but the reality of his being dead was more that I could comprehend. Suddenly any steps I had to taken were frozen with shock. It was as if I was in some kind of suspended animation. I went through the motions of a woman but I felt like half a woman with the other half of me somewhere else, but where? I wrote in my journal, "Bill, where are you? Are you in that better place you promised me you'd be?" God I needed some direction in my life to give some reason to want to go on living.

I reflected on all the things that happened in our lives since Bill lost his leg. I remembered how I said that God was preparing for that. As I looked back, the loss of his leg enabled us to receive a fairly large out of court settlement. Because of that Bill's worries of how I would be taken care of after he was gone were diminished. We were able to see that he had the best possible care and that he could remain at home with us when he died, as he wanted to be. I reflected back on his promise that he was not afraid and his reassurance to me that he knew I would be okay. I remembered the day he died. We were alone in the house and by this time he was hallucinating and in a world of his own. I sat beside him on his hospital bed in the living room and asked him, "So Divers, am I still part of your soul?" He answered me. He answered as my husband once again. "You bet you are". And for 45 minutes I had him back with me. God had given me a gift that day of clearing his mind so that we could be together for the very last time alone. Not to say goodbye, because how do you say goodbye forever? We spoke of our love for each other. He gave me all his last encouraging words that he knew I would be okay. He even joked with me to reassure me that he wasn't afraid of what was happening. I reflected back on the peace that was within each of us. He slipped back into his own little world after that and I knew in my heart that day that he was going away. That night he did. He reached out to me and told me he loved me and slipped away for the very last time with a look of peace on his face. That was at 2:05 AM on Friday, September 4, 1992. My husband's "Birthday to Heaven".

He sent us a sign a few hours later as my sons and I were sitting in the living room, each of us in shock I think, not being able to speak of it because it was all so unreal. Suddenly there was a thunderous like sound unlike any I've ever heard. We all looked at each other and smiled in amazement and I said, "that's daddy, telling us he made it". They felt it too. Rob said, "Leave it to dad to find a way".

In the days to come there were several such signs. So in my walk to a new beginning, I had to force myself to reflect back on all the events that took place that led up to his death. The presence of God was so powerful during that time and so evident in my husband. At his funeral I spoke to our family and friends, and told them how very proud I was to be the wife of Bill Divers. A man, who proved to all those who watched him "live with cancer" and spread his faith, so strong and so beautiful to so many, he was the evidence of the existence of God because of his strong belief that he was going to a better place.

I went through all the steps of grieving in the many days to come. But always, I would reflect back on the courage of my husband, the unselfishness of his love, and the wonder of his spirit that was drained from him before his death but was so evidently powerful after his death. With that belief, the strength in me to give his life and my life a purpose became the powerful force to keep me going, to move ahead to the new steps that I knew I had to take. The vision of the support groups was where my life was taking me.

GROWW and it's support chat rooms have often been described as a God given place, a place of healing, a place of peace and a place of love. From the day that Randi and I met almost four years ago, we shared the vision of what the support of the fellowship meant and what it could mean to so many thousands who are drifting as we were. We know how vital it is to keep encouraging you all to reflect on all the good things that happened and to give you hope and promise that things will become easier with time. It is because of our pain and because of our love that we worked towards building on the dream that we could somehow help ease the pain of thousands who were to cross our paths. So that those painful steps we took could be a little less painful for the steps you have to take because ours were walked alone, yours are taken besides so many who are walking your same path. No one need ever be alone in that walk as long as there is GROWW.

With love to all, Judy