PERSONAL GLIMPSE
09/05/1999
Cyber hugs comfort editor's widow
By Beverly Davis
Contributing Writer
My husband Chuck lost his battle with cancer on April 12, 1999. Three days later I buried the man who had been my best friend for more than 27 years. For three days I had been busy, and quite numb.On the fourth day I woke up and realized I was alone. No need to prepare medication or change sheets. The hospital bed that had become a fixture in our living room was gone; so was Chuck.
God had prepared me over the past two years to care for Chuck, and even eventually lose him to cancer, but I was not prepared to travel along the journey of life alone. I had packed the bags for two.
But now I was a widow.
I have never liked to stop or linger too long in one place, so now I faced my loss with the same determination to discover how to grieve effectively, heal quickly and completely, and continue on the journey alone.
But where was I to begin?
Several months before, I had discovered a cancer chat room on the Internet, where cancer victims and caregivers could meet to exchange ideas, information and encouragement. The information superhighway seemed the logical place to begin my search.
Less than 48 hours after the funeral, I logged onto GROWW, Grief Recovery Online founded by Widows and Widowers, at www.groww.org.
The Web site was founded by Judy Divers in 1995 to provide consolation and encouragement for widows, widowers and anyone experiencing the loss of a loved one.
On those digital pages, I read her story of loss, her journey toward healing and the purpose of her grief ministry. I knew I had found the place and person who would help light my path.
There, I discovered different chat rooms aimed at many different types of losses, yet I immediately recognized where I should go: Widows' Room.
Not a word I was comfortable with yet.
BJFluffy became my alter ego as I signed on under a nickname, as recommended.
((((( BJFluffy ))))), one person typed, then another.
"Hi," I responded.
"How are you tonight BJFluffy? Who did you lose and how long ago?" "Oh so sorry, (((( BJFluffy ))))."
I responded that I had lost my husband to cancer and then asked what seemed to be an obvious first question. "Why are there parentheses around my name?"
"Those are hugs, BJFluffy."
I asked if everyone was a widow or widower -- there were so many of them. One by one, all responded with their real names, their losses, how many children they had and the state they lived in, followed by more hugs and an occasional kiss.
This is it, I thought, I have made human contact and this feels good. This is where I start my healing.
Since that night, I must have been hugged a million times and given just as many hugs back to compassionate fellow travelers who mean it when they say, "Oh, I understand."
Not long into my experience with GROWW, I met a widow who had lost her husband to renal cancer more than three years ago. She has since become my mentor for this journey through widowhood. Everyone needs an experienced guide with a loving, caring heart.
I continue to pass milestones along the way:
I didn't cry as much today. I was able to pack some of Chuck's clothes away today. I sold his car and bought one I could afford today. I cleaned the spark plugs on the lawn mower today.
We all celebrate each other's baby steps online.
On an evening not long ago, I chatted with a young widower whose loss was very recent. He asked questions that were achingly familiar from five months earlier.
"Did you put your name on Chuck's headstone?"
"Yes, and this is why it was the right thing for me to do," I wrote.
"Will it ever hurt less?"
"Yes, it will, even though five months ago I felt just like you do now. It will get easier, but, in the meantime, it is OK to cry and be angry and hurt and ask questions. Just don't stay in that place for long."
Helping others cope and heal and move forward has become an Internet ministry for me. I love to make people laugh out loud.
Sometimes I hear, "I didn't think I would ever laugh again."
To which, I respond (.
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