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Message
from the Executive Director - Anne D’Ambrosio
April showers bring May flowers, It will, at
least, start to look pretty outside soon. I love to watch the flowers
bloom. I also love to
see our members begin to show some signs of improvement - not
getting over it or anything like that. It’s nice to see when
someone has a “good” day; it makes my heart smile. None of us wanted to be
here, none of us ever dreamed of needing a place like GROWW, or
finding a place like GROWW - on the internet no
less.
Grief is a normal and natural reaction to
the death of a loved one.
Most of us are not prepared for the long journey of grief,
which is sometimes devastating, frightening, and often lonely. We may think, do, and say
things that are very unlike us. There seems to be no respite
- no end to the intense feelings that we are
experiencing.
Grief has been likened to a raw open
wound. With great care
it eventually will heal but there will always be a scar. Life will never be the same,
but eventually you will get better.
Grief has its common and unique sides. Although it is a universal
experience, no two people grieve the same - even in the same
family. Like a
snowflake or a fingerprint, each person’s grief has characteristics
all its own.
It is important to understand some of the
following concepts about grief:
GRIEF WORK: The
expression “grief work” is very true. It may be the hardest work
(I call it job) that you will ever perform. It is draining, but can be
so worth it when you feel you have made some accomplishments.
CONTROL:
We CANNOT control the feelings that arise within
us. These feelings come
from deep inside. But,
we can choose what we do with them. We can accept or reject
them. To deny only
prolongs our grief.
Remember, what we do determines whether we remain in our
grief or survive.
Feelings are not bad or wrong. They should be recognized
and faced honestly.
CHOICES:
About grief, there are no choices: you MUST go
through it. The
expression of grief is essential for good emotional and physical
health even though it is painful and difficult. There are no easy answers or
shortcuts, no way under, over, or around your grief. Although grief may hurt
desperately, you must go through it.
MAJOR DECISIONS:
It is strongly suggested not to make major
decisions (such as moving, money matters, etc.) unless absolutely
necessary during the early stages of grief, when judgment is
cloudy. The
conventional wisdom, “Never act in haste” was never more
applicable.
LISTENER(S):
Find someone who will listen. Talking is therapy. This is a big part of what
GROWW is all about - sharing and caring.
GRIEF HAS NO TIMETABLE:
Grief often takes much longer then the bereaved or
the people in their lives expect. It helps to take one hour,
on day, one minute, one breath at a time, whatever gets you through
the day.
REMEMBER:
People have a natural inclination to recover. Eventually you’ll look back
and realize; you weren’t going crazy…you were grieving.
PLEASE be patient with
yourself. Recovering
from grief takes time.
I know
most of you have heard us say the above so many times before. I know lots of you hate the
word time. All I ask is
keep this handy and look it over every now and then. Someday, you will surprise
yourself and say wow that WAS me.
We would like to welcome 3 new Host's to our
GROWW Family. LoriS (ak a amythyst) will be hosting in
HA, JodyS (aka hyoncake) will be hosting in GR and Cherlynne
(aka CKirby) will be hosting in GR.
Welcome Ladies!!
Until
next month, Good Grief
AnneGD
Message
from the Director of Branches - Libby Morningstar
They say April showers bring may
flowers. As I look
outside I am seeing the wonders of new birth/growth. If we could capture just a
little bit of that knowledge that even in our saddest of times there
is hope, it would help us.
No one has asked to be where we are today. We did not ask for this path
to follow in our life, but its here. Someone we loved very much
has died.
GROWW is such an important place for
many. Just when you
think no one knows how you are possibly feeling, a friend in GROWW
can say, “you know, I feel that way too.” How wonderful is that to
know you are not crazy for having/experiencing your feelings? When you really don’t want
to hear a word about the dreaded TIME or the dreaded HOPE you will.
But isn’t that what we are all seeking? We need to be told gently to
take care of ourselves, give ourselves time to grieve, and then
chose the path we wish to follow. I know I have chosen the
path of life - to embrace life. It is my hope that one day
you can see this and embrace life with all it has to offer you -
knowing that your loved one will always have a special place in your
heart.
April is also an ending for GROWW. Our fiscal year ends at the
end of April. We have
been so blessed by being able to keep GROWW alive and well. But this is a very difficult
task at times, and one I am sure many don’t even realize. I know we have said this
before, but no one involved with GROWW receives any salary for their
services. We do it
because we truly believe in the healing aspects of friends helping
friends. Do you know
that GROWW is a sanctioned 501 © (3) Organization, and as such your
donations are tax deductible?
Donations are necessary to help with the cost of the chat
rooms and maintaining the site in general. We don’t do this often
because GROWW is about grief and hope for the future, but if you
could find it in your heart to give a little, GROWW will have that
future too to help others that will come after you have gone.
FINAL NOTE: MICHIGAN GATHERING – July 15
– 17, We have heard that many are talking about coming, but
notification to Cat has not been that great as of now. PLEASE if you are attending
write to Cat at Cattowner@aol.com ASAP. We NEED this number to make
decisions on program for the weekend.
Until next month I wish you
well.
Libby
Phil’s
Corner - Phil D’Ambrosio
No article this month.
Guest
Column: submitted by Betsey Krause
Tomorrow’s Promises
If I have learned nothing else through my
16-year-old daughter’s death, it is that you can never tell your
children enough times how much you love them. You can never hold them
enough, listen to them enough, and be with them enough. You can’t play too many
board games or eat too many meals with them, because life offers no
guarantees. You have to enjoy them while you have them, because at
some point it may be too late.
Our daughter, Sarah, died very unexpectedly
from what are unknown medical causes. She was a star student, avid
violist and budding scientist. Literally, we had her one-day and she
died the next, within minutes of our even realizing something was
very wrong. The doctors
have not determined the cause of her septic shock, and at this point
probably will not. Six
months later they surmise that it must have been a virus, because
they have found no bacterial toxins. But where it came from and
why it did this to her so quickly are mysteries.
Her death hit our community hard because
Sarah was the “girl next door.” Her only risky behavior
involved smoothies and cheesecake. Sarah hadn’t even started dating.
She spoke loudly against drugs, alcohol and tobacco. She drove speed limits and
wore her seatbelt. If
Sarah had been a fast lane kid, perhaps people could have
rationalized her dying, but she wasn’t and they can’t. Instead,
Sarah fingered her air viola to the classics station she played in
her room and studied just hard enough to land in the top 6% of her
400-person class. She
was an aid in Sunday School the day before she died, and attended
her own religious school class that evening, with the same bubbly
enthusiasm that she had every other day of her life. The next day Sarah was
“plucked” from life with no explanation.
A 20 something friend of mine, whose parents
live far from Ohio in California, quietly confessed to me, “When I
talk to my parents now, I won’t hang up until I‘ve told them that I
love them.” Because of
Sarah’s death, families who otherwise had no vacation plans have
traveled together.
Because of Sarah’s death, families are eating together and
making concerted efforts to be together on holidays and
celebrate. Because of
Sarah’s death, people are facing the little considered fact that
there are no guarantees. For if a seemingly healthy, popular,
enthusiastic teenager can die for no understood reason, that leaves
that possibility open for all of us.
Since Sarah died I have hoped for a
diagnosis I could turn into a cause. Although we know that a
diagnosis would not bring Sarah back, I have agonized about not
having one. Never did I
think I would envy the mother of the child killed by a drunk driver
or the one whose child died of a preventable disease. But in some strange way, I
have. I told this to a
new friend I have made since Sarah’s death. Her daughter went to the
same high school as Sarah and died a few days earlier from a
methadone overdose. A
teacher in our very suburban school district, this mom has taken the
problem of suburban addiction and drug abuse to the schools, to the
news and to the community.
Her daughter’s death could have been prevented and she is
trying to prevent other moms from losing their kids. How I envy her for being
able to make a difference for others, in her daughter’s
name.
A new email contact I have made, since
losing Sarah, lost his 6-year-old son to a freak accident with a
school lunchroom table. He has turned his son’s tragedy into a
safety initiative for Ohio schools now before the legislature and
known affectionately as Jared’s Law. Jared’s parents are making a
difference for all of Ohio’s elementary school
kids.
But we don’t know what killed Sarah, so the
cause to undertake is not as obvious. Or is it? All I know is that when
Sarah died she knew how much we loved her and we knew how much she
loved us. For that I am
thankful. In the rushed world we live in, I am not sure that all
families feel that assured.
Perhaps the cause to take in Sarah’s name is to remind people
tomorrow is not promised; we need to slow down our lives and care
for our relationships today.
Tomorrow is not promised, so we need to take
the time to be with the people we love, share in their passions and
cheerlead their endeavors. We need to appreciate and love our kids
today at their ball games and concerts and at home at the kitchen
table. And our fast
lane kids? They need
that love and attention that much more because they are at greater
risk. Although they
think they are invincible, they too can be plucked from life at any
moment. As parents, we cannot forget that.
I cannot even express the void we have in
our lives without Sarah. Although we try to maintain as normal a
life as possible, our lives have a new normal since Sarah died. Our
new normal does not include the giggles and sparring between sisters
or the race to the bathroom in the morning. Our new normal does not
include the sparkling energy that Sarah added to our lives. Our new normal does not
include her innocent gullibility and weekend father daughter
chilidog traditions.
Instead, we have an appreciation of our old normal that we
never recognized, while in it.
A month before she died, Sarah and I sat at
the dining room table working on a jigsaw puzzle. As we arranged
pieces we talked. I
told her that something was very wrong with this picture. She was 16 years old and
getting along with her mother.
I said, “Sarah, teenage girls aren’t supposed to get along
with their mothers, you are supposed to hate me.” As she left the
room, she glanced back with an impish grin and responded, “Don’t
worry mom, I have 3 more years.” If only we had those 3
years.
So as we figure out our new normal life, we
embrace our other daughter, Anna, that much more. We play together, sing off
key together and try to be there for each other. For we know all too well,
that tomorrow is not promised, we need to appreciate and nurture
relationships today.
For more information about Sarah:
www.sarahkrause.com
Poetry
by Members (submitted by
Patti):
Fathers are great with things they
do
They help out with projects and comfort when
we're blue.
They tell stories from when they were young
About mom's home cooking and the songs they
sung.
The games that they played and the hugs from
their folks
The trophies they won and their funny
jokes.
How grandpa would scold them when they were
bad
And give them warm hugs when they were
sad.
Fathers are precious gifts from the
Lord
Beholding God's beauty in so many a
word.
Giving of talents learned from their
dads
With a spirit of childlikeness---as when
they were lads.
Fathers are indeed in need of our
praise
As they give of themselves in the future
days.
As we go about living our lives each
day
Let's not forget the dads who showed us the
way.
Host
Interview
by Pat Sirni – (PatS): GRHostDianeMM
Aloha! I live on the beautiful island of
Maui, one of 7 of the Hawaiian Islands located right smack dab in
the middle of the Pacific Ocean. We are 2,000 miles away from any
other land mass in any direction, so we are quite isolated. Island living is very
different from living on the mainland and I've taken to it like a
fish to water, so to speak! LOL I was born in Ireland, raised in the
USA, mostly California, but I have traveled quite extensively and
sampled many different cultures.
I moved to Maui for good in 1999 (although
we have owned property here and visited since 1978) along with my
parents and 2 sons, Robert & Michael. My mom and I pooled our
money and bought a 2 story house. She and my (step)dad live upstairs
and the boys and I took the downstairs. Both my mom and dad are
retired (HAH!) and have numerous interests and hobbies. Both are
into volunteering....a lot! LOL My dad is the Maui Spokesperson for
A.A.R.P and is the Vice-Moderator for Keolahou Hawaiian
Congregational Church. My mom is the Secretary for the same church
as well as the Ladies Auxillary for Maui Memorial Hospital. Both Mom
& Dad also volunteer at the hospital, do a Meals-On-Wheels
route, work at the Homeless Shelter and the Food Bank once a week. I
keep teasing them it's a good thing they are both retired or they'd
never get a day off! LOL
My son Robert is 21 and works full time. He
raises orchids and is a movie buff (like he has so many he could
open a DVD rental store!!!). He and his friends like to go cliff
jumping, something that makes me grind my teeth every time I've
found out they've done it! Robby likes swimming and snorkeling,
hiking and exploring. He also loves to shop, something he did not
get from me! LOL
I would have to say that since my youngest
son, Mikey, died, Robby has kinda put his life on hold, (as have I)
something I am trying to get him to see. He moved back into the
house the day his brother died and has been my constant steady rock
of support. I have always been very close to both my sons...and with
my youngest son's death, Robert has become very protective of me. I
guess I'm sharing this very private part of my life in this
interview because I know there are other family units who may be
going through some similar situation. I guess I just want to share
that whatever it is that we go through as a family when death and
grief strike us....it's all very normal. none of us is "the only
one" that this is happening to....
What do you do for work?
Hmmm...I am current working at Home Depot,
selling appliances. I am also being interviewed this week to be
hired as a mgr. of Starbuck's. I ended up losing my job as Deli Mgr.
at Safeway because of grief related issues, they felt I was taking
too much time off work. According to Safeway, their department mgrs.
should not use their sick time, we should be "leading by example"
and hey, why wasn't I "over" my grief anyway? I took almost a year's
hiatus, in which time I did a LOT with my non-profit organization. I
flew to Washington DC and spoke before the Senate. I was one of many
who helped the Garret Smith Act get passed and get 10 million
dollars appropriated for the education and prevention of youth
suicide. I decided it was time to try the workforce again,
(I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go!) just
to see if I could, and got the Home Depot job. Lifting 300 pound
refrigerators is doing me in, I am an old, fat lady! I figure
lifting 12 oz. Elates is more my style anyway!
What do you do on your day
off?
I speak in schools about the prevention of
youth suicide.
I take classes online so that I may continue
my own education as Public Educator. I hold small seminars with the
local police so that I may educate our island's first line defense
in intervention. I am also the Head Deacon of our church and I do
all the same volunteer stuff as my parents...half the time, they
railroad me into all kinds of other things! I was informed last week
by my mom, she volunteered my services (again! LOL) to cook the
Chili for this year's Harvest Sale for our hospital. She said, "Gee,
Diane, it's only for 1,000!" Chili for 1,000...now ya know what I do
on my day off! LOL
What is your favorite pastime or hobby?
I like to fish! No...I LOVE to fish. I like
to make my own sushi marinades. I swim, snorkel, read, go to movies,
hike, camp, whale watching, fish, did I mention I like to fish? LOL
I used to really love to cook...but since Mikey had died, it has
lost all meaning for me and I rarely do it anymore. Funny how grief
changes us, yah? Mikey
& I went fishing a lot...now it's something I do to feel close
to him.
Please tell me about your loss. How long
ago?
I have actually lost a few, my uncle, heart
attack at the pool, I was 13, my friend, motorcycle wreck, he died
in my arms, I was 16, my father, heart attack in 1978, I was 21, my
fiancee from CHF in 1991, I was 34. These deaths, I could process,
even Will, my fiancee, my best friend from when we were
children! Then......I
suffered a loss I'm still reeling from. I lost my 13 year old son,
Mikey, aka Spikey Brat, on 1/12/2002. Mikey
died of suicide, a hanging death. What I have learned about
suicides in children this young...it's called "Impulse Suicide."
Mikey wasn't depressed as much as he just had a real bad day and was
impulsive. I was the one to find him inside his closet early on the
13th. No parent should have to see what I did, nor do what I did. I
cut my baby down and carried him in my arms, screaming out my guilt.
It's been just over 3 years for me and I will repeat what everyone
else says because it's true. It seems like a lifetime ago and at the
same time, the memory is still fresh and new, I can draw upon it
like it was yesterday. I have often felt envious of those who experience the
denial stage of grief...for me, the reality of my child's death
slammed into me like a speeding freight train. I recall feeling
outrage at the betrayal of my own lungs...they went right on
breathing for me when I expected them to just stop and let me die
too...and some part of me knew deep down inside, that because my
lungs did not quit...that I was going to be forced to survive. I
have learned a lot about survival in the last 3 years.
Survival, honoring our loved ones, and
choices.
How long have you been a host?
2 years now. I think the first discovery I
made into my own healing platform is that when you reach out to help
another, what happens is...you have also reached inside to help
yourself. Because of my crazy work schedule and that I am so far
west, I usually Host late nights. One of my known traits (besides
eating raw fish and making obnoxious bodily sounds!) is my sense of
humor. Mikey and Robby
helped me hone mine to where it is and one of the ways I continue to
honor my child is I laugh good and hard every chance I can. Late
nights can be wild.....sometimes the laughter just explodes though
our computers although it can stop on a dime when someone comes in
and is hurting. One of
the nicest things about Hosting is to see the depth of compassion
the members show a new comer or someone in need of help. I know I
have probably offended a few with my naughty sense of humor...( I am
so NAUGHTY!) and I can still remember vividly BEING offended at
laughter when I was still new. But, the laughter of others also
showed me that I would also laugh again. What I have learned in
GROWW chat, is that laughter is vital to our recovery.
What rooms do you host?
Mostly the main room, Grief Recovery. But I
also show up in Heavenly and Reluctant Angels. Ya just never know
where I'll pop up and ya just never know what I might
say!
What do you feel has helped you to survive
your loss?
My relationship with God. Willingness to
accept. Willingness to
share my burdens. Being honest, even when it hasn't made me the most
popular person,
LOL. Networking, friends, family,
conventions. The Annual Balloon Release. My non-profit, Hawaii
SPEAR. (Suicide Prevention Education Awareness Research)
Hosting and being a member FIRST at Groww.
Believing in signs. Getting tattooed every year in the Holiday
Season. Talking, praying...hey! I have a question!
How come when you talk out loud to GOD, it's
called praying...but when you talk out loud to your dead child, it's
called psychotic??? I talk to Mikey all the time! He truly is..."One
Breath Away." He is with me still...and we will be together
again.
What is your advice to someone just starting
to walk this path of grief?
Eat, drink lots of water, sleep whenever you
can. Try to avoid making any life altering decisions. Don't have ANY
expectations of a grief recovery timeline, it doesn't work that way.
Make "grief" friends, bond with someone in a similar situation.
Don't worry about the damned housework! No house ever imploded from
too much dirt...ask the many who have stayed at MY house here on
Maui! Do whatever makes you feel like you will survive this because
you can and will survive this if you choose to do so! Don't brace
yourself against the pain, rather, let the pain flow through you.
Try different things out, use whatever works for you and if it stops
working for you, try something different out. Know that sleep pattern
disruption is very normal for all of us and yes, it will make you
feel crazy but know that it is exhaustion, plain and simple, not
insanity. I have special advice for those who rage in their anger.
Get a metal trash can and a rubber mallet and whale the tar out of
it whenever. The deafening noise somehow sooths the rage inside of
you. I went through 3 mental cans in my first year and a half. If
you can, come into chat, write on the message boards, vent, sob,
wail, blubber until you run out of tears....for that hour anyway.
Grieve hard and grieve well. Tell anyone who tells you "Time Heals
All" to go stuff it.
Time...in and of itself, heals nothing.
Love.....love heals everything. In time, you will learn the
tools you need to better cope.
In time, pain eases because you have learned better coping
tools. In time, you
realize that you are not alone, not even in grief. In time, you learn how to
reach out to others to help show them that we can and do survive,
even the greatest of losses.
In time, you come to realize that healing and recovery are a
choice, one we are all faced with. In time, you will reach a
point where the death of your loved one is not what defines your
thoughts completely any more, but rather, the person you've
become. In time, the
Phoenix inside of you will rise from the ashes of grief, sorrow and
despair and forge within you a compassion only known to the bereaved
from the awful knowledge of experience. In time, you will let go of
HOW he/she died, and THAT he/she died, and remember that he/she
LIVED. (Mahalo Nui Loa to {{{{{{{ JimK }}}}}}}}} for this!) You will never let go of the
love. Know that letting go of grief does not mean you let go of the
love! The two are separate!
Death may have taken your physical relationship, but it can
never take away the love. Time will be your
enemy at first and later, become your friend. Time can do a lot, but in
and of itself, it can do nothing. Love on the other hand, love
can do anything.
Do you have any special memories of your
time with GROWW that you would like to share?
I was lucky enough to make it out to the MI
Gatherings...and meet so many GROWW friends! There was a
dinner/dance with a raffle and I asked Mikey for a particular prize.
HostCece had painted it, it was a dream dog, what I perceived as a
Retriever, and the caption read, "I'd retrieve him for you if I
could." I told the group I was with that I had asked Mikey for that
painting...it had so much meaning for me! HostJay, HostAngee,
HostMaryRose were in my group and they laughingly told me to ask
Mikey that they get some prizes too. Guess what? Our entire end of
the table all got raffle prizes and we all purchased our tickets at
different times and places. I got the painting and was in
tears. Our loved ones
are with us still........I know this to be true.
Recipe of the month (from Patti):
BLENDER MAYONNAISE:
***USE ONLY THE WHIP SPEED THROUGHOUT
THE WHOLE PROCESS.
INGREDIENTS:
2 EGGS
1 TSP. SALT
1 1/4 TSP. GROUND MUSTARD
2 TBS.WHITE VINEGAR
2 C. VEGETABLE OIL OR CANOLA OIL (Do not use
olive oil)
2 TBS. LEMON JUICE
1 PACKET SPLENDA BRAND
SWEETENER
PLACE EGGS, SALT, 2 TBS. SPLENDA, GROUND
MUSTARD IN A BLENDER. WHIP FOR APPROXIMATELY 20 SECONDS. ADD LEMON
JUICE, CONTINUING TO WHIP. REMOVE LITTLE INSERT CAP IN LID, KEEP LID
ON BLENDER. SLOWLY POUR 1/2 CUP CANOLA OR VEGETABLE OIL (NOT OLIVE
OIL, MAYO WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT USING IT) INTO BLENDER. THE
MIXTURE WILL SLOWLY GET THICK. AS IT DOES OIL MAY BEGIN TO SETTLE ON
TOP. MERELY TURN OFF BLENDER AND BLEND THE SETTLING OIL IN WITH
MIXTURE AND STIR ONCE OR TWICE. BECAUSE YOU ARE WHIPPING THIS AIR
WILL DEVELOP BELOW. WHEN YOU STIR IT , GOING DOWN TO BOTTOM OF
MIXTURE IT RELEASES THE AIR.TURN BLENDER BACK ON, AFTER THE FIRST
CUP OF OIL HAS BEEN ADDED THEN ADD WHITE VINEGAR AND SLOWLY ADD
ANOTHER 1 1/2 CUPS OF OIL. REPEAT THE STIRRING PROCESS AS NEEDED. IN
THE END THE MAYO SHOULD LOOK LIKE STORE BOUGHT. I MAKE THIS ALL THE
TIME AND IT'S DELICIOUS! THE WHOLE PROCESS TAKES ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
IT CAN BE USED AS ANY MAYO WOULD BE.....SANDWICHES, SALADS, ETC.
ENJOY !!!
If you would like to
submit a recipe or poem for publication in this newsletter, please
send your submission to newsletter@groww.org
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