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Message
from the Executive Director - Anne D’Ambrosio
I know this is a very tough time of year for
so many of you. Please
take care of yourselves and reach out to others. I ask that each and every
one of us think back to their first day at GROWW. Please try to treat all
members the way you were treated or the way you wished you had been
treated. Sometimes when
people come here for a long time, they tend to lose some of their
compassion and caring.
I don’t want that to happen. Let’s all try to remember
someone may come across as a problem in the chat room and everyone
bombards this person, lets try to slow down the process and get them
to explain why they here before we overreact. We’ve all done it before but
let’s try to remember we are all working on adrenalin, probably just
waiting to get the holidays done so you won’t have to deal with
them, stressed to max and ready to flip out at any given
moment. Let’s ALL take
a deep breath and sit back and say to ourselves, OK, we are people
helping people, friends helping friends, then
type.
Time does help to heal and we all heal
differently and in our own time frame. Some people never heal, that
is sad, but some people do grieve much longer then others and that’s
ok too. That’s where
the compassion and understanding come in; let’s try NOT to judge
others. If you don’t
agree with someone you can state you’re opinion, but do any of us
have a right to tell someone they are wrong. I don’t think so. None of us
know more then another person, we all grieve, share and heal
differently, that’s what is so wonderful about this group. Someone has been right where
you are now, or is right there with you or been through it and can
SHARE their experience.
I don’t think anyone of us can tell each other what is right
or wrong. That’s why we
say there is no right or wrong way to grieve; there is only YOUR
way.
I’m keeping it short this month. I still
have lots to get done and the time is just flying by.
I wish all of you and your families and
friends a very happy Holiday Season and a better
2005.
Until next year, Good
Grief
Anne GD
PS: Please welcome our newest Host
GRHostGailP who will be hosting in Guiding Angels and GR. Gail, Welcome to our family
of Hosts
Message
from the Director of Branches - Libby Morningstar
First I need to apologize for not having an
article last month. I
did submit, but it got lost in cyber space. I am hoping that
Thanksgiving gave time for reflection, the things you are thankful
for. I know in grief it
is almost impossible to think that anything is a blessing, but I
know if you allowed yourself time to reflect you would see it
is.
Well you made it through November and now
you are faced with December.
As the world is gearing up for all the holiday events some of
us find it next to impossible to get the spirit. I want to give you
permission to celebrate or not celebrate the holidays as you see
fit. People try really
hard to help you during this time, but we know from experience that
they really for the most part just don’t get it. GROWW gets it, so when the
times are hard come sit with us and as a group will get though the
dark days I promise.
Staff is proud to announce the opening of a
new room within GROWW.
The new room will be called Faith Angels. Faith Angels as we see it is
one’s belief in something whether spiritual or other. We do not calm to be
authorities in this area, but it is a place you can go to share your
feelings about your grief and how it has affected your faith in
whatever your beliefs are.
Our goal is to be a NON-JUDGMENTAL NON-ARGUMENTATIVE place
where people of all faiths express their pain and grief-related
faith issues without fear.
Faith Angels will meet on Tuesday from 9:30 PM to 11:00 PM
EST, starting on December 21st.
My wish for you is to have a safe holiday
season. Next time we
share it will be 2005.
Work at looking at 2005 with a positive outlook that you are
here and you are alive and as sad as you may be, the future is up to
you. I really do not
believe our loved ones wish us sadness forever.
Libby
Phil’s
Corner - Phil D’Ambrosio
Sorry guyz, the Boss has me painting GROWW's corporate headquarters. She thinks paint is more important then my article this month. Be back next month.
Phil
Guest
Column: Nan aka Nancy:
Dealing with the Holidays:
I am nan (Nancy). On April 2,2003 my husband of 33.5 years died of lung cancer. It also left our only son without his father. Junior and I were not able to be together again until Thanksgiving, which we spent alone in my house. The loneliness was overwhelming and we both vowed to make Christmas a happier time. Jr. lived in Boston, so I flew up there, stayed in a hotel room. We did laugh and enjoy ourselves by celebrating in a completely different way than we had every done before. About that same time I found GROWW.
There are no words to thank all my GROWW friends for the love and support they so freely give each and every time I log on. They kept saying that 4 letter word: TIME. Well, friends, let me tell you that is so very true.
To pay back my GROWW friends and to offer comfort and support to any I may not have met, I submit these suggestions for dealing with the holidays:
1. TALK about your grief. Do not be afraid to say you are sad. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Find caring friends or family and talk openly.
2. BE TOLERANT of your physical and emotional limits. Respect what your body is telling you. Lower your expectations of being at your peak during the holiday season.
3. ELIMINATE unnecessary stress. Do not overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself, but recognize that you do need time alone. “Keeping busy” and “doing what you always did” may increase your stress and cause physical and mental exhaustion.
4. BE supportive and caring. Identify with friends and relatives who understand and who allow you to talk openly and who encourage you to accept yourself whether you are happy or sad. DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU. Share the memories and traditions that make you comfortable.
5. PLAN ahead. Decide which traditions you will continue or if you are going to do something new. This will help you anticipate the activity and will eliminate getting caught in a spiral of panic, fear, and anxiety. Leave room for making changes, be true to yourself and your feelings.
6. RENEW your resources for living and going forward. Spend time thinking of what was and what is, the past and the present. Make the best of this time to consider what the future holds for you.
7. EXPRESS your faith or lack thereof. Find someone who understands and respects this. Attend or watch on TV a holiday service or special religious ceremony or program, if you feel the need to keep connected to your faith.
8. REMEMBER: Grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving LOVE. Do not let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient and surround yourself with loving, caring people.
Recipe of the month:
Ravioli with Mushrooms and Peas
1 pound spinach ravioli (fresh or frozen) 2 tablespoons olive oil 1 box frozen green peas 1 12 ounce package sliced mushrooms 1/2 cup heavy cream Grated parmesan cheese
Cook the mushrooms in a frying pan with the olive oil until mushrooms are golden brown. Add the peas and cook for 5 minutes. Reduce heat to low. Add the heavy cream and simmer for 4-5 minutes, until cream is warmed but not boiling.
Meanwhile, cook the ravioli in boiling water according to package directions.
Pour the peas and mushroom mixture over the drained ravioli, and serve with parmesan cheese on the side.
Host
Interview
by Pat
Sirni
SheilaS:
I'm GRHostSheilaS, also known as allie. I've
been coming to GROWW since May, 2002. I have two adult children,
Steve, Angie, a son-in law Devon, and my beautiful
granddaughter, Arianna. I come from a family of 7
children.
I thought I had some understanding of grief
and always felt great compassion when someone I cared about lost a
loved one. Boy, was I in for a shock!!
It was August 1986; my brother then 22 years
of age became ill with pneumonia. He just couldn't seem to shake it,
and became so ill was eventually hospitalized. Within 24 hours of
his admission, he was diagnosed with full-blown AIDS. At that
time, AIDS was a death sentence. Our family was devastated. For 18
months I lived at his bedside. Along with my parents, and a
couple siblings we cared for my brother, Don. The stigma of having
AIDS that he and we faced was a nightmare. He was treated as
though he had the plague. We as a family, stood behind him in all of
his decisions and when he said it was time to let go, we
assured him, it was OK. He lost his long and courageous battle with
AIDS in my parent’s home with his family at his bedside on March 27,
1988; Palm Sunday at the age of 24. I began grieving for my
brother when he was first diagnosed and I thought I was prepared for
that day, but now realize we are NEVER prepared for the finality of
death. My grief journey following the loss of my brother, was
the most gut wrenching, painful, unexplainable pain I could
ever imagine. For months I went through the motions of life, asking
myself. Now what do I do? My whole world had focused on the
care of my brother for the past 18 months, and I missed him
terribly. Well, as we often say in grief, with TIME, TEARS, and TALK
we do begin to heal.
After much grief counseling and finding
myself again, life went on, never to be the same. A few years
later my sister's husband, completed suicide. One evening we
were watching the 6:00 news as they showed a body being dragged out
of the river. Little did we know at the time, that it was my
brother-in-law. That was a tough one, watching what my sister
went through and my nieces, and trying to be supportive. So many
unanswered questions.
Then, on December 1, 1998, my father in law
was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was given 6-9 months to
live. He died 5 weeks later; January 5, 1999. I took every
opportunity I had to be with him and my mother-in-law. I was
extremely close with her, and tried as best I could to be there for
her through her grief.
Then 10 months later, on November 11th,
1999, after having noticed some strange behavior I took my
mother in law to the ER. I will never forget that day, as
I sat alone waiting for test results. Within about 4 hours
of our arrival at hospital, I was informed by a neurologist
that my mother in law had a very aggressive brain tumor, and
said she had 6-8 months to live. I can't remember a lot of
the events of the day. I only recall feeling extremely numb
and going to find a pay phone and calling her sons and a minister
to come to the hospital. With this type of tumor, and because
of its location we saw extremely bizarre behaviors. Her personality
changed day by day, and you never really knew when the "real"
mom was going to appear. She was living alone, and once again,
I found myself living at the bedside of someone I loved dearly.
As a caregiver, my whole world consisted of making sure she
was well cared for. I was trying to maintain my part
time job, deal with social workers, family members and the
grief of knowing that my mother in law was dying. On July
17, 2000; my mother in law and best friend, took her last
breath. Not yet recovering from the loss of my father in laws
death, I was grieving multiple losses. As caregivers we "lose"
touch with the real world. So not only is there the grief
of losing the one we focused our entire being to, but there
was this empty spot in wondering "who am I" and "now what
do I do?” I was tired, depressed, grieving and wasn't
receiving much understanding or support. I resigned
from a career of 20 years and needed to start figuring out
who I was and take care of me.
Less then a year later, April 2001, my
dad became ill with pneumonia. A month later, he was diagnosed with
terminal lung cancer (inoperable). The Dr's gave him 7-8 months to
live. I could not believe this was happening again!
I was determined that my father was NOT going to die. I
became his medical advocate and my whole world focused on getting
him the best possible treatments, and I once again found myself
being a caregiver. I was living an isolated life, losing
contact with the outside world, with the exception of medical
workers. We set up schedules; we had respites; and we did everything possible to
keep dad at home. Eventually his pain became unmanageable, and he
was admitted to Palliative Care. He suffered extreme pain, and
I began to pray for the Lord to take him. On May 4, 2002, with his
children at his bedside, my dad took his final
breath.
Multiple losses can be complicated. I
began to see the snowball effect that these losses had in my
life. I wasn't able to show my grief and felt as
though I was sitting up in a tree, watching myself go
through the motions of life. One day, overwhelmed with
gut wrenching pain, I knew I couldn't do this alone anymore. I
desperately went to the Internet searching for a support group and I
was led to GROWW. I will never forget the love, the hugs and the
understanding. A room filled with so much pain, yet so much love and
encouragement. Finally, a place where I could cry, scream, yell and
YES even laugh. I will always be thankful to my GROWW family for
helping me make life livable again. My life is changed forever.
Through all of this, I lost my marriage, and I lost my faith in God.
What can I say to others who are
dealing with grief?
To those that are or have been caregivers to
the terminally ill. I say this:
Care giving is extremely challenging. We do lose touch with the
outside world. But there is a special bond that takes place when
you're a caregiver and memories that you will forever cherish. And
in time, we DO find ourselves again. Those vivid memories of your
loved ones last days and hours do diminish in time; and
it's the wonderful memories that will stand most vividly in
your mind.
And secondly, when you are able, read books
on grief. Having understanding of this journey we call grief helps
us realize what we're going through is normal and that NO, we're NOT
crazy. I always remind myself:
Grief is about "LOVE".
"I'd rather loved and lost,
then to have never loved."
If you would like to
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send your submission to newsletter@groww.org
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