E-Mail Newsletter
December 19, 2008	December Volume 3, Number 8
	Taking Care of You Well, it’s almost time for the big Holiday’s. I was just about done with the Newsletter and my poor computer got a nasty virus. It has been at the computer hospital for a week. I just got it back tonight, I am so sorry that the Newsletter did not go out on the 15^th like I thought it would, but here it is, better late then never. I want to let everyone know that our “sister” site HALO (Healingafterloss.org) closed as of last night. Their members will be coming to GROWW, some of you may already know each other. Char, the Director of HALO used to Host and Manage GR way back when she was at GROWW before HALO branched out. Susan, DebbieLynn and several of the other Hosts and staff at HALO will be visiting to help the new GROWW members feel comfortable. Let’s all welcome them. For all of you HALO folks, WELCOME, I know our rooms may be a little bigger and a little more fast paced then you are used to, but I promise you will get the hang of it and meet some really wonderful people. We are hoping some of their Hosts will want to Host here at GROWW, write to me if you do. Gloria and Hope who were Hosts at HALO are going to start or reopen our Kindred Angels chat room for sibling loss, we will also include cousins in this chat. We will let you know when that room will open, we still need to do a little work but it should be up and ready to go around the time the next Newsletter comes out. We will have more information then, like days and times of meetings. This is a bittersweet time for the people who have worked so hard and dedicated so much time to see it close, but rest assured all are welcome and we are all friends. Many of us have been friends for years. In the past couple of years we have also had GROWW/HALO Gatherings together. We hope to have more in the future. From all of us at GROWW, we hope you have a healthy, peaceful holiday season and remember YOU get to decide what is best for you. Time will help but it takes lots of time, tears, and talk. Happy Holidays, AnneGD Uh-0h, It’s That Time Again! by Russell Friedman & John W. James The holidays are approaching. A joyous time. A festive time. A time when families and friends celebrate the passage of another year and the coming of a new year. But not everyone will feel like celebrating. If this is the first year since the death of a loved one or a divorce, the holidays may be difficult. Since time does not heal emotional wounds, subsequent holiday times may be painful and awkward for you. Even surrounded by family and friends, you may feel isolated, alone, and as if no one understands. As we move toward Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah and New Year‘s Day, again this year, we will also be reminded of the great losses suffered on September 11, 2001. Even those of us not directly affected by the attacks, likely will feel some of that overwhelming sadness. How grief feels Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. It is marked by conflicting emotions that result from the change in a familiar pattern of behavior. But from the standpoint of the grieving person, this is how grief may feel: Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find when we need them one more time, they are no longer there. Adapting to the absence of a loved one is difficult enough. But, the first holiday season, with its constant reminders of holiday joy and tradition, can be especially painful. At the Grief Recovery Institute we’ve talked with thousands of people who’ve told us they wished they could jump from late October right to mid-January. We’ve heard the same sentiment from people enduring their first holiday season following a divorce. It’s normal to worry that you won’t be able to handle the pain of that first holiday season, whether the missing loved one is a spouse, parent, grandparent, sibling or child. You may even think you’d rather skip holiday gatherings. Those feelings and fears are not illogical or irrational. They represent a normal, healthy range of emotions about painful loss and our society’s limited ability to talk openly and honestly about grief. A taboo subject We all experience losses and we all grieve. Yet, grief is one of the most off-limits topics for discussion in our society. It seems strange that one of the experiences we are all going to have, is the one experience we are ill-prepared for and ill-equipped to talk about. Even more troubling is all the misinformation passed on about grief. We have been taught to believe that "Time heals all wounds." So people will say, "It just takes time." The griever assumes the advice to be correct, and waits while time goes by. But time is neutral and does nothing but pass. People also say, "You have to be strong for the children" [or other family members]. So we pass that on to the griever, who dutifully acts strong for the kids, while burying their own feelings deeper and deeper. We have been socialized to believe that intellectual remarks will help with emotional conflict. So others say, "Don’t feel bad, he led such a full life." Maybe he did. But the griever is in emotional turmoil, and that comment, which may be intellectually accurate is not emotionally helpful. "Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever," and none of the pat remarks identified above help the griever take those correct and necessary steps. Rather, the griever is led down a path that leads to more isolation and loneliness. What grievers want Several years ago we conducted a survey that asked: "What is the best way to act around someone who has just experienced the death of a loved one?" From the multiple choice answers, 98 percent of the respondents chose: "Act as if nothing had happened." We also surveyed those who had experienced the death of a loved in the past five years. We asked them: "In the weeks and months immediately following the death of your loved one, what did you most want and need to do?" Ninety-four percent responded: "Talk about what happened and my relationship with the person who died." This holiday season, there will be plenty of hurting people who, given the opportunity, will want to talk about someone they miss. You will be a most cherished friend or family member if the grieving person feels safe enough to talk to you about what is so foremost on his mind and in his heart. If the person doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t be offended. A safe start At the very least, we suggest that you to bring up the topic, and allow them to decide if they want to talk about it. If you’re thinking that it is an awkward question and you don’t know how to ask it, we agree with you. So, here’s a simple phrase which allows the griever to respond or not as they see fit, but is not an interrogation or a command that they must talk about the loss. "I heard about the death in your family...I can’t imagine what this has been like for you." If you look at that phrase you’ll notice that it is actually a statement, but the use of the word "imagine’ invites an answer without ever asking a probing question. Interestingly, over the years, we have found the word "imagine" to be the single most open-ended emotional word in the English language. It implies that whatever the griever says will be acceptable. It implies that whatever the griever says will not be judged or criticized. Those are very important safeguards for the griever, who is hyper-aware of any comments or questions which imply that he is wrong or defective for having the emotions associated with loss. Just use your own memory and experience to recall how important it was to feel safe when your heart had been affected by a painful loss. Many of you may remember having felt hurt by people who were really very close to you, when they said things that didn’t feel right, or equally, when they avoided the topic, and left you feeling very confused. If a friend gets a new sports car, we wouldn’t dream of not asking all about it. We know they really want to tell us all about it. We must adopt a parallel notion when something sad or upsetting has happened. We know, in many cases, they really want to talk about it. If people don’t feel safe to talk, they may find other ways to soothe themselves. That could include alcohol, drugs and food - something in plentiful supply at holiday time, and which may have negative or disastrous consequences. Take a chance Communication has its risks. Bringing up a loss - yours or someone else’s - may not be welcomed. Good taste and timing are important. For instance, we’re not suggesting that just as Grandpa starts to carve the turkey, you blurt out, "How have you been since Grandma died?" However, from personal experience, we can tell you that it would not make any sense not to mention someone very important to us. Russell’s personal story illustrates this idea: "My mother died ten years ago on the day before Thanksgiving, and that holiday hasn‘t been the same for me since. But I always take the opportunity to toast my Mom and say how much I miss her. Invariably, the others at the table start talking about people they miss. The stories and the memories they evoke are filled with laughter and tears." The ability to communicate our emotions openly and clearly, happy or sad, is one of the distinguishing characteristics of being human. It is less human to exclude from discussion those people so important in our past. Being afraid of sad feelings can deprive us of the treasure trove of memories attached to relationships with people who have died. Overcoming this fear, especially at holiday time, allows us to claim the full memory of the person we’re missing. People are surprised to discover that even though there may be some sadness, there may be plenty of joy as well. © 2002 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute. All rights reserved. Another article found about holidays: The Holiday Army By Andrea Gambill Here it comes again — the Holiday Army — in its annual march against us. Some of its generals are called "Thanksgiving," "Christmas," "Hanukah," "New Year’s Eve" and "New Year’s Day." They are no respecters of the heartbroken and emotionally wounded, and their troops are merciless. They take no prisoners! They demand that we participate in their joy and nostalgia or they will mow us down with their militant tanks of holiday spirit. Sometimes they declare their war on us openly — without shame or remorse. Sometimes, they wait for us in ambush. Their intelligence operators have been working diligently all year, waiting for the Thanksgiving Day (or sometimes Halloween!) trumpet signal to begin their attack. They just don’t seem satisfied to have their celebrations and parties and dinners and festivities unless they can recruit ALL of us into their ranks. Actually, we wish them well. All we really want is for them to leave us alone and let us mourn in peace and quiet. We prefer our “Silent Nights” to their “Deck the Halls” and Jingle Bells.” We don’t intentionally spoil their fun, it’s just that our pain makes them uncomfortable. They’ve been conditioned to believe that “The Holiday Season” should have no blemish of suffering or lack of frivolity. We must not only bandage our wounds while in their presence, but cover them with taffeta and sequins besides. They are convinced that all we need is to “put on a happy face” and all our sorrows will magically evaporate. In their mad pursuit of happiness, they shoot us with the bullets of shopping, piped-in music, special holiday foods and fragrances, gift wrapping, decorations (especially the angels!), joyous children with happy smiles, cards, invitations, parties and gift exchanges. Any other time of the year, snow is considered a nuisance to shovel and plow through. At the holiday season, though, it is touted as romantic and is linked to sleighs and starry nights in front of fireplaces, snuggled close to those we love. The most devastating bombs they drop into our lives are the images of reunion — times of greeting and hugging folks who are much loved and sometimes not often seen for awhile. They may only be separated by geography; our absent loved ones cannot cross the chasm of loss that looms before our tear-filled eyes. They remind us of things we should be thankful for (and we are more thankful for many of those things than they can ever imagine). They prod us with their spears of delightful togetherness, never realizing that what they celebrate is what we cannot now enjoy. We would not dream of attacking them in these battles for holiday survival. With our noses pressed against the glass that divides us, we actually long to be able to be part of their happiness. We remember the times we joined in their fun and we, too, were part of their army of nostalgia and joy. Our broken hearts and bleeding wounds do not excuse us from being gracious, however. While grief does not give us permission to be rude and selfish, and we take no overt action against their aggression, we are not without defenses in these battles. We can shield ourselves with the armor of dignity with kind but direct and simple explanations: “We understand your need for celebration, but this year we prefer quiet and private reflection and meditation.” “Right now it’s hard for us to function in large groups and to appreciate laughter and high spirits.” “Our energy is so limited; we’d appreciate some quiet one-on-one time with you in a more spiritual atmosphere.” We can gently remind them of how important it is for us to remember those we love who are gone. These are statements that clarify our position without judging or criticizing them for theirs. In kind and non-threatening ways, we need to tell them what’s good for us, because they won’t think of it on their own, and they can use the education. We also can exercise the muscles of our sense of humor. It will take some effort on our part, but so does anything that is worthwhile and good for us. We can teach ourselves not to fall into the trap of thinking that our grief makes us the center of the universe. We can limit our demands that others treat us in “special” and “deferential” ways because of our pain. We can cut them a little slack and remember that once upon a time, we were just like they are now. It’s good and healthy for us to review our perspectives now and then and decide if we’re being fair and reasonable. We can express our love in simple and unhurried ways without all the frenetic, expensive and often hysterical hype that the holidays can generate. And we must exercise the expression of our love. Grief does not rob us of our ability to love; it reminds us ever more dramatically of our need to both give and receive love while we are here. Whenever we can take some control in our situations, we empower ourselves, and then we feel less like victims in what seems like a war of “peace on earth, goodwill toward men.” Anytime we can educate and inform with mercy and compassion, we have given a truly spiritual holiday gift of love that will keep on giving forever. May your season be filled with genuine blessings of peace. Until next issue Good grief AnneGD@groww.org
	Introducing– Golden Angels Our senior members share a different kind of grief. Living alone suddenly after a lifetime of a marriage can leave us lost and afraid. Where do we go from here? “I’m too old to love again” is heard often but very often men and women are finding that loving and being loved can and does happen. Finding ways to learn to fulfill your lives with new beginnings is a reality that our members come to know regardless if they share it with someone new or learn to be comfortable with who they are now and new avenues can be explored. Sharing the memories, sharing the pain and sharing the hope that tomorrow is not lost is what our members give to each other. A lifetime of memories can be shared with men and women who find their lives changed with their loss but give hope to each other that memories can still be made. Life begins at 50 but we were supposed to have our spouses in that life. We are there to listen, to comfort and to encourage you to cope until you can let go of the pain but never the love. Here is a place where you can share the memories and enjoy the fellowship of your peers. Your hosts Sharon and PhillipGene invite you to visit the Golden Angels Branch Page. Please join our chat room family which meets on Thursday, 8:00-10:00 p.m. eastern time. Each of our members is age 50 or older and has suffered the loss of a spouse.  We know the pain, and discuss the special needs of the "mature" members in the Golden Angels Chat room. We have learned that sharing our pain with other members helps us on the grief recovery road.  We know what you are experiencing, and help each other through this grief process.  This room has a couple of other names besides Golden Angels.  We are also known as the OF (old fogey) room, or the P&G (prunes and geritol) room – all said with love.  We share our loss, cry a lot, and finally learn to laugh again.  It takes a lot of time, but laughter and wonderful memories are healing. Poetry Corner TRY AGAIN Life is a long and bumpy road, We each carry our troubles, like a heavy load. There are many hard turns and some dead ends, But whenever we’re stuck, we must Try Again. No one’s got an easy ride But failure can be pushed aside. When we give up hope nothing can happen. So when all seems lost you must Try Again. You can’t have a meal if you don’t sit at a table You can’t learn a moral if you don’t read the fable. You can’t take control, if you’re plagued by inaction And you won’t overcome loss if you don’t Try Again. When the coin is in the air, if you don’t pick heads or tails, Having not made the chance, you are bound to fail. But if you choose and choose wrong you can still win. Because on the next flip you can Try Again. Those who succeed seem to have it made. Basking in the sunshine or lying in the shade. But they have been down too and it was just then, That they picked themselves up so they could Try Again. So when your spirit is weak, and you need to cry, And when you want to be happy, but you have to sigh, When things seem bleakest, that’s the time when You must shrug it off and Try, Try Again. By: Kamil L. Wanat Submitted by: Clarissa
	RECIPE Makes about 1 1/2 cups 2 cups Cabot Sharp or Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese*, grated (about 8 ounces) 1 cup cream cheese (4 ounces) 1/3 cup dark beer 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard Large pinch cayenne pepper Thin-sliced rye or multi-grain bread or crackers 1. Combine first five ingredients in food processor or blender; process until smooth and creamy. 2. Serve with bread or crackers. *Or flavored Cabot Cheddar, such as Roasted Garlic or Horseradish Nutrition Analysis Calories 169 , Total Fat 14g , Saturated Fat 9g , Sodium 229mg , Carbohydrates 1g , Dietary Fiber <1g , Protein 8g , Calcium 220mg From cabot.com
	If there is anything you would like to see in the Newsletter or contribute, please send it to newsletter@groww.org. Interesting articles, recipes, poetry or anything else that you found helped you and might help others. The next issue will be sent on Jan. 15^th, until then, be safe and take care of yourself.