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Message from the Executive
Director - Anne D’Ambrosio
I can’t believe June is here already. May was a sad month for
those of us who have been with us for a week or a year. It was
with deep sadness that we lost one of our own, GRHostMarilyn,
Marilyn DeVries. She died Monday May 23, 2005, of a heart attack
after surgery.
Our hearts go out to Marilyn’s family who were SO kind to include
us in their thoughts and let us know about the arrangements. Thank
you Ken and Beth for letting us into to your family. We have received
$ 175.00 in donations in the Memory of your Mom. We had a tribute
to Marilyn in one of our chat rooms, and we were so honored when
her granddaughter Erika came in and joined us for a while. I think
of Marilyn every day. I used to talk to her every day. She was
one of the sweetest, caring people I’ve ever had the pleasure
of meeting in person. She will be missed greatly this year at
the Annual Frankenmuth gathering next month.
Marilyn, we will never forget you. We were blessed to have you
with us here at GROWW.
I would like to take the opportunity here to get on one of my
soapboxes - I think I’ve been on this one before, but I think
it needs to be said again. We have an overflow room for GR called
HomeGROWWn, and an overflow room for GFW called GFW2. These 2
rooms are NOT Hosted. These rooms should be used by members who
are in a good place and may not want to deal with grief at the
moment but maybe something a little lighter. BUT, and NOW I’m
jumping up on the box…these rooms are NOT for dating, getting
nasty and dirty or anything else obscene. I am not a prude, BUT
this is a grief recovery site. If people come here and happen
to meet someone they hit it off with, GREAT. Most of you who know
me, know I LOVE a happy ending. Please don’t use GROWW for the
getting to know you stage and getting intimate online. There are
PLENTY of FREE instant messaging services out there so you can
continue your chats. If these rooms are being used just to go
to the gutter, they will be locked and only available if someone
from staff is available to monitor it. We all like to have a good
time, but there’s no reason it can’t be good clean fun. Stepping
off my soapbox now.
To all you Dad’s out there, Happy Father’s Day. Phil, honey,
Happy Father’s Day and Happy Birthday. Thanks for being such a
great Dad to Joe(y) Stumpy, whatever he wants to be called these
days! He’s 14 now and KNOWS everything. Oh and for those of you
who DO know Phil and know he will NOT update his age, he will
be 53, And yes he does act like a 5 year old most days - well
maybe 11, depends on the day.
To those of you going to the Michigan Gathering, I can’t wait
to see you again. And to those joining us for the first time,
I look forward to meeting you.
Until next month, Good Grief
AnneGD
Message from the
Director of Branches - Libby Morningstar
We've made it thorough the April showers and May flowers, so
what now? As the months and seasons change so does the way we
process our grief. Sure, in the beginning of grief you believe
that you will never be able to make it - that it should have been
you, but it wasn't. And now we are left to figure out how to go
on living.
I think what I love about GROWW most is that when I found it,
I wasn’t sure I could ever have a life. What I found was people
who understood how I was feeling. I found that I could really
say it was a crummy day and they understood. I wasn’t judged for
my feelings. The other thing I found was that with gentle pushing
I found laughter again and knew it was OK to laugh. GROWW has
wonderful tools to help you though this very dark, grey time in
your life. WE have wonderful message boards, emails to heaven,
and our very special chat rooms. Only you can decide to beat the
feelings of grief and decide that you can do this, but GROWW will
be here to help you.
Finally, it’s nice to get that real hug from a GROWW friend,
and you have a wonderful opportunity to do just that. The Michigan
Gathering (see the gathering page) is quickly approaching and
I know I speak for the committee that we welcome you. WE DO HOWEVER,
need to know ASAP if you are, in fact, planning on attending.
We are making final dinner plans for Saturday evening so we need
to know. Please write to Cat at Cattowner@aol.com to confirm you
are attending, and she can give you the necessary registration
information. Please respond no later than June 25th, our cutoff
point.
Until next month, always be good to YOU!
Libby
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Phil’s Corner - Phil D’Ambrosio
Hi Guyz. As I look at the calendar I noticed that father’s day
this year falls on June 19th, cool! That means a double dip for
me since that’s also my birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah most of you
who know me are saying, I wonder how old he’s gonna be this year?
Shoot, that’s easy - same as last year, at least physically. You’ll
have to ask Anne if I have aged mentally, though I tend to digress.
About 5 years ago my dad gave me a toolbox he had his entire
life. It was a wooden machinist type box with the drawers on the
front. I took it out and looked through the drawers. Everything
was still pretty much in the same position. The micrometers and
wrenches still worked, and the wood still had that freshly polished
look. He also gave me an old Black and Decker ¼” drill,
the ones that had a metal casing and didn’t shatter if they fell
on the ground.
Al, my dad, had every tool you could ever need in a lifetime.
Over the year’s birthdays, Christmas’, and Father’s days, he was
an easy read for a present. Between my brothers and me the man
never had to buy a power tool. Being the oldest of 3 brothers
and the first to get married, I had dibs on dad’s cornucopia of
saws, sanders and screwdrivers. The first tool I ever got on loan
from him was a Black and Decker belt sander. Till the day he died
I had him convinced that I put it back and my kid brother took
it without telling him. I was so good I even had my brother looking
for it in his garage. Usually when I would “borrow” one of his
precious possessions, he would always remind me of where I found
it. I never could remember where to put his stuff back. I think
Al knew that when that tool walked out the door it fell into a
huge black hole, namely my garage, never to be seen again. Oh,
by the way I still us the old Black and Decker drill, its 49 years
old. I think…
See ya next month.
Guest Column submitted
by Julie Ireland:
Death the Ultimate Loss -
How to help a friend in their grief.
I remember returning to work after my mother died. Suddenly every
door to my coworker's offices was tightly shut. Hardly anyone
mumbled a word to me. There was no card. There were no flowers,
no hugs. There wasn't even a kind word from 95% of them. Interestingly,
these people were all in the human service field with years of
counseling in their background. They were all women.
This group liked to talk. They lived to "process their feelings"
at endless staff meetings. This was normally a very "touchy
feely" group. But bring death into the mix. Wow. That sure
shut them up.
Death is uncomfortable. We don't know what to say. So unfortunately,
we say nothing. This is the worst possible thing you can do.
In the weeks after my Mom died, the thing that surprised me the
most was reactions from others. Friends didn't send cards. Phone
conversations went dead silent the minute I told callers my Mom
died. I never received a single flower from a personal friend.
I was one of the lucky ones. I did have at least a couple of friends
who called and were very kind and let me cry endlessly. Without
that support I am not sure what I would have done.
The grieving person feels shocked, afraid, depressed, suicidal,
hopeless, and angry. Don't let these feelings scare you. They
are normal.
In thinking about people's lack of reaction I thought how interesting,
because death isn't a freak occurrence. Given that the one thing
we are guaranteed in life is, well, death. It strikes me as odd
that people don't know how to react to it. I thought what if someone
gave a primer on WHAT TO DO WHEN A FRIEND LOSES A LOVED ONE 101.
· Always send a card. It hurts so much worse to not be
acknowledged.
· Send a single flower, a plant, or a bunch of daisies.
It doesn't have to be costly. Your friend will appreciate the
thoughtfulness of the gesture.
· Bring food. This is so helpful.
· Don't think if we "bring it up" that they are
going to get upset. They are already upset. So "bring it
up". The alternative is ignoring the death and that is significantly
worse.
· Call and 'check in" on your friend. It is OK to
say, "I am so sorry your mom died." Your friend will
appreciate this. Then call them every week. If this is wildly
outside your comfort level, then at least leave them a message
on their home machine telling them that you are thinking of them.
· Understand that your friend may isolate. They probably
do not want to be cheered up.
· Ask your friend, "What can I do for you?" They
may need you to just listen; they may need you to call and know
that you care.
· Make sure you are specific. Please don't say, "I'm
sorry for your loss." Say, "I'm sorry Pat died."
It is always better to use the person's name. It is more personal.
· If you are grieving for the deceased person, say that.
Say for example, "I will miss your Mom also, she sure was
special." It helped me to know that other people miss her
as much as I do.
· Know that grieving isn't something that ends in 6 months,
or a year. People have the attitude of, "Aren't you over
it? It has been a year already!"
· Send them a book on grief. That helps. Really.
· Don't overlook the child or teen that is grieving, they
are just as hurt and confused, as you would be. There are books
written especially for them.
· Go to the funeral to support your friend. They will never
forget that you showed up. You do not need to have known the deceased.
· It is ok to say, "I don't know what to say."
· Offer to pick up the children. Offer to finish that report.
Offer to pick up the dry-cleaning. Often they feel too overwhelmed
to take care of the mundane tasks.
· Be extra sensitive for milestones. Acknowledge that it's
been one year since the loved one died. Be aware that it’s Mothers
Day and the person is feeling especially alone; or Valentines
Day for the loss of a partner; or the deceased person’s birthday;
or the first Thanksgiving without their family member or friend.
· Your friend may be angry with God, the world, and the
deceased. This is normal.
· Be aware they may feel guilt.
· Tell stories about the person who died; they are cherished.
People think that death is contagious. It is not.
Don't say:
· "They are in a better place."
· "You need to see a therapist." They already
feel low; they don't need your implication that they are crazy
too or that their grief is inappropriate.
· "Aren't you over it?" The pain takes years
to subside.
· "You are lucky you still have a husband (or children)
or whatever.” They do not feel lucky.
· "You will get over it." You never get over
it.
· "Thank God I still have my Mom; I don't know what
I would do." This is extremely insensitive.
The second year after a death is very hard because everyone thinks
it is behind you; however, you still need the support. Your silence
tells your friend that their loved ones' life was not important.
After a death we feel lonely. It is an aloneness that goes so
deep. If you ever needed a friend it is now. To ignore your friend
when they need you the most is the ultimate social shunning. One
day, you too will experience a profound loss. Consider how you
would like to be treated.
Poetry by Members (submitted by
TerriC):
The Mirror
The mirror catches an image of me
It is a person that I don’t know…
The person inside of me
Is the one that was seen through your eyes.
She was funny, confident, and fearless…
With you at her side.
The person in the mirror is none of these things…
No humor, no confidence and definitely not fearless.
Your loss has shown her fear…
Fear of losing the one that she loves.
Fear of living on…
Without you.
And so the mirror shows a different person…
The mirror shows… me.
Host Interview by Pat Sirni –
(PatS): GRHostRuth
Where do you live? Are you originally from there?
Until last year, I lived in Huntington Beach, California. Recently,
my husband and I moved into a retirement community (Leisure World)
in Seal Beach, Ca. However, he is Canadian and we will be spending
4 – 5 months each year on Vancouver Island in Nanaimo, BC. By
birth I am Canadian (born in Nova Scotia), but became a naturalized
US citizen when my mother became a US citizen in the early 50’s.
Come to find out, I did not loose my Canadian citizenship because
I was a minor. So, I guess I’m a citizen of two great countries.
Do you have family living with you? Do you have children? If
so, please tell us about them, their ages, interests, how they
are doing
I have 3 children, all adults from 24 (the youngest) to 40. My
older daughter and her husband live in Kentucky, the middle daughter,
and my son all live in California. For the time being, they are
living at “home” in Huntington Beach. All 3 of the children were
at our wedding last year and were very happy for us. My son walked
me down the aisle and my daughters were my maid and matron of
honor. Ben has 4 daughters and 7 grandchildren. They are all doing
well.
Are you employed outside the home? If so, what do you do?
I recently retired as a Professor of Nursing from California
State University, Long Beach. I will continue to teach one semester
each year for the next few years under a Faculty Early Retirement
Program. I have taught pediatric nurse practitioners and public
health nursing. I am also an editor for a professional pediatric
journal.
What do you do when you have a day off?
Hmmmmmm~~~ While working, the days off were spent catching up
on things not done at home or school during the work week. I’m
looking forward to some more free time and doing more “fun” stuff.
What is your favorite pastime or hobby?
My hobbies have been rather limited, but I like reading Tom Clancy
novels, traveling, and some craft-type activities.
Please tell me about your loss. How long ago?
In 1992, I lost my mother to complications of Alzheimer’s disease.
Although she was very important in my life, I had my husband to
guide me through the grief process and I was comforted by the
knowledge that finally her mind was restored to “health” again.
My most devastating loss was that of my husband of almost 38 years
in June of 2001. We were best friends and almost never separated.
We had met at a freshman college dorm dance in Texas and never
looked back. He died of colon cancer after a valiant 3 year battle.
Life would never be the same again.
When and how did you find GROWW?
I found GROWW one evening about 3 months after Buddy died. I
keyed in “grief” on Google and GROWW was first on the list. The
music on the home page was comforting and caught my interest,
so I looked at the index page and found all the chat rooms. I
had never been in a chat room; in fact, I thought that only “bad”
things happened in those kinds of rooms. So, it was with a lot
of fear and uncertainty that I clicked on “enter” in Grief Recovery.
Like so many of you, GROWW became my 2nd home and family. My children
would ask me each evening, “Are you GROWWing tonight?” I found
so much support, friendship, and comfort from people, some of
whom were from all over the world. We were all drawn together
by that strong bond that none of us ever asked for or wanted.
And what wonderful hugs there were to be found in the room.
How long have you been a host?
About a year after Buddy died, a host asked me if I’d be interested
in hosting. What an honor! I was humbled by the request although
not sure how successful I was going to be. However, I quickly
found that by helping others through some of the difficult times
of grieving, I too was becoming stronger. Hosting has been a growth
experience for me and I treasure my experiences.
What rooms do you host?
I have only hosted in the main room, Grief Recovery. There are
so many different losses and so many new folk that come to that
room; it is a room I find “special”.
What do you feel has helped you to survive your loss?
Without a doubt, GROWW was significant in my recovery. I have
a wonderful family and great friends, and they were also invaluable
to me. Perhaps most of all is my faith and belief that the circle
one day will again be reunited, and I will know the reasons for
the loss of Buddy. I will see him again. God may not have answered
my prayers in the way I wanted, but God’s hand has and does guide
my life. One of the wedding presents given to Ben and I was a
lovely throw blanket. On it is the statement, “God never closes
a door without opening a window”.
What is your advice to someone just starting to walk this path
of grief?
My advice is to be patient and kind to you. Don’t expect much
more of yourself but taking one breath at a time. There are so
many feelings which we’ve never felt before and so many changes.
We flounder and wonder why, and yet there is no answer. Time and
patience will help sort everything out again.
Do you have any special memories of your time with GROWW that
you would like to
share? Tell us about your new life... how you met your husband,
how you have traveled back and forth between countries to be together.
Also, your plans for the future.
I met my new husband through GROWW. He was not a member, but
one night a new found friend on GROWW and I decided to have a
little “fun” and fill out a profile on an online dating service.
Ben sent me an email after reading my profile; he had lost his
wife to pancreatic cancer after a 33 year marriage. However, because
I had not paid for the dating service, I could not read his email.
He was persistent and sent 3 emails. My GROWW friend told me I
could afford the $25.00 and should see what this guy had to say.
I did and we were married overlooking Stanley Park in Vancouver
last June. At our wedding a candle was lit and burned brightly
for his wife and my husband – we are both sure that it is because
of them that we are together. We did indeed find a hope for a
new (but different) tomorrow.
We now travel between California and Canada in a 35 ft. Motor
home. He still works part time in Canada and, of course, his family
lives in Western Canada. Ben also has a home in Saskatchewan so
we’ll be spending some time there as well. Driving down the highway
through such wonderful country side, I’m in awe at the beauty
to be found in nature. We are truly blessed with a wonderful world.
Our plans for the future include living each day to its fullest
and treasuring the memories we are given through the grace of
God. May God bless and hold you closely in the palm of His hand.
Recipe of the month (from azsharon):
Editor’s note: I have served this cake at my veterinary office
and it’s always a big hit!
"Kitty Litter Cake"
*no joke*
Want to have fun at a party? Prepare this recipe! It’s completely
edible, but your friends may not think so!
CAKE INGREDIENTS
1 box of German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper
Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any
size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small
batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green
food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake
in a jar. Set aside.
When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large
bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough
pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in
litter box and pour in mixture.
Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and
pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points, making
them looking like 'kitty droppings'. Repeat with three more rolls.
Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining
white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs
lightly over top.
Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on
top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box.
Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over
the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve
with scooper. Enjoy!
If you would like to submit a recipe or poem for publication
in this newsletter, please send your submission to newsletter@groww.org
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