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June 27, 2010 |
June 2010 |
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Taking care of you A
friend gave me an article from the Wall Street Journal last week about
missing parts of your family. If anyone would like to read the article,
please write to me and I will forward it to you. It is a very enlightening
article about children who lose a parent at a young age. “For adults who were children
when their parents died, the question is hypothetical but heartbreaking:
"Would you give up a year of your life to have one more day with your
late mother or father?" One in nine Americans lost a
parent before they were 20 years old, and for many of them, this sort of
question has been in their heads ever since.” The above is a brief excerpt from
the article. This being almost Father’s Day makes me think about my own son
and many of you who have children will also be helping your child celebrate
it without a Dad or Mom for that matter. The article says that many people
who lose a parent when asked if they would give back a year of their life for
another day with their parent would do it in a heartbeat. Many kids feel that they grow up too fast
after a parent dies, especially a Dad. I think back to when my husband died
and my son was an orphan at 5, we went to support groups, he had a great
support network with our family, friends, and teachers. Almost 14 years later he is a remarkable
child, excuse me, young man who has become a caring and compassionate young
man. After reading the article, I think I did all the right things, I always
tried to remind him he was the “kid” and I was the Mom, he did not have to
take care of me, his only job was to be the kid and have fun. It seems that the majority of the
people who were interviewed felt as though they did give up part of their
childhood because they felt had to had to take care of their Mom. There are
many types of support groups and camps out there for grieving children.
Please try to fine one for each of your kids, you would be surprised how many
say their kids don’t want to go to a group, or a therapist, or a camp.
Sometimes we have to remind them we are still the parent and we get to decide
what is best for them. I know it’s hard but it is not
only good for the children, but it is also good for the parent. I hear so
many people saying their kids just sit around, they don’t take them to sports
anymore, every one seems so out of place. This isn’t easy but in order for
your kids to have some semblance of normalcy, sometimes we just have to “put
on our big girl panties” and deal with it.
I threw myself into my son sports teams, I volunteered for everything,
I had all the parties at my house, I was the team mom. Instead of feeling
like everyone was looking at me and thinking oh, she must be divorced, I was
the one who volunteered for everything.
I found that by having all the parties at my house, I was the one in
control, my son was in his own surroundings. It gave him that little edge of
not feeling like the kid out of place because his Dad wasn’t there. He knew
everyone knew his Dad died but by being on his turf, it made him feel better. Don’t think it all went off
without a hitch, does it ever? Just try to remember we all have to make
sacrifices and face it, wouldn’t we do anything (or almost anything) for our
kids. Send a balloon to your Mom or Dad
or your kids Mom or Dad for Father’s Day. Share a special memory or meal in
their honor. Happy Father’s Day to all you
Dad’s out there and to all you Mom’s being both. Until next month, Good Grief Anne |
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A new Season
Summer is here and everyone seems
to be busier than usual. Activities
are in full gear and all of it is reminders of what you are missing, your
loved one. You look around and all you see are kids playing, the smell of
backyard barbeques, ballgames, parades, etc.
They trigger the memories of past summers. You don’t understand all the emotions that
are swirling around you; maybe it is anger, sadness, or feelings how can they
just continue on when you perhaps feel as if others have forgotten you. Sure they invite you! Don’t they understand? One of the goals is to figure out
how to be happy again and still honor the memory of our loved one. Each of us are individuals, each loss is
unique to us. Always remember, you get
to do it YOUR way, but, if your way isn’t working stay open to the idea of
trying something new or different. So the next time you are invited
try going even if it is only for a little while. They will be glad to see you and it just
might not be as bad as you anticipated.
Yes, allow yourself to feel sad
and to grieve, but don’t forget to embrace the joy and happiness of
tomorrow. Is an old tradition just too
hard? Try finding something new that
sounds fun. Maybe there was something
that your loved one always wanted to do and the time was never right. Please,
make the time now and you just might find yourself laughing and having a good
time. I mean this in only the gentlest
way….you are still alive, don’t forget to make the best of each day. If you have a special story of
what has worked for you please share it with staff. We care! Rachel
Message from the webmaster We take pride in the GROWW
website and want it to be a useful resource to each of you. We don’t always know when is a link is
broken. If you discover a broken link
please email webmaster@groww.org. Thank you, Rachel TIME
When we
are newly bereaved, we struggle to make sense of a world – and our place in
it – that no longer makes any sense at all. In the
absence of one breath, one heartbeat, a person whose existence helped define
ours is no longer - at least in an immediate physical sense. And
where does this leave us? Usually,
it leaves us stunned, disoriented, disbelieving and profoundly shocked. Because
the pain is so intense at first, among our first questions are often, “How
long does the pain last? Does it ever get any better?” Many of
us have stayed at GROWW in an effort to reassure newer ones that the pain
does lessen with time and work (which generally means not trying to avoid the
pain, but allowing ourselves to truly feel it) and that life – although forever changed – really can be fulfilling
and even joyous again. We
didn’t believe it at first, either, and we don’t expect anyone else to. It is
thrilling to us when a room member says, “Hey – you know what? I didn’t
believe you all when you said it would get easier and better, but it HAS!” Nobody
can suggest when the pain will lessen for you. Newly widowed, I asked a
friend that question, and I think I was looking for a specific date or
timeline. Didn’t happen, can’t happen. The
easing of pain and the acceptance of the reality of the situation can be so
gradual that it’s only by hindsight that we realize there has been forward
movement. Many people journal, which allows them to reflect back and realize
that there has, really, been change – no matter how slight. As is
often said in the rooms, it really does take baby steps at first, until our
gait gets stronger and our stride gets longer. So, like a baby learning to walk, take
small steps and hang onto support (family, friends, Church, GROWW) to keep
you upright. Try not to knock the vase of flowers off the table. Barby |
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