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Editor
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· Pat Sirni
Associate Editor
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· Angela Dyer
Newsletter Staff
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· Lori
Petersen
GROWW Officers
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· Anne
D’Ambrosio, Executive Director
GROWW Staff
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· Libby
Morningstar, Director of Branches
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· Pat Sirni,
Grief Recovery Room Manager
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· Rachel
Frank, WebMistress
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· Phil
D’Ambrosio, Director of Security
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Message from the Executive Director - Anne D’Ambrosio
November begins the big Holiday push. I can’t believe I’ve already been hearing Christmas songs on the radio. I
have run this every year in November. I hope everyone prints this out and
remembers YOU get to do what YOU want.
HOLIDAY BILL of RIGHTS
1. You have the right to
say, “TIME OUT” anytime you need to. Time out to let Up, blow a little
steam, step away from the holidays, have a "huddle" time,
and start over.
2. You have a right to TELL
IT LIKE IT IS when people ask, “How are you?” You have a right to tell
them how you REALLY feel, not just what they want to hear. You need to
take care of yourself. Be attuned to your feelings.
(*P.S. You also the right
to smile and say you're fine, because telling them how you really feel,
isn't worth your time - some people will never understand anyway)
3. You have the right to
SOME "BAH HUMBUG" DAYS. You don't have to be "Jolly Old St.
Nicholas" all the time. You are not a bad person just because you
don't feel like singing Christmas carols all day.
4. You have the right to DO
THINGS DIFFERENTLY. There is no law that says you must always do Chanukah
and Christmas the same way. You can send 10 cards instead of 100 -- or no
cards at all. You can open presents at somebody else's house. You can do
without a tree. You can have a pizza instead of turkey!-the list is
endless.
5. You have the right to BE
WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. Be at home, or at the relatives’ or with friends.
Be in any city - any state you choose! NOBODY SAID
YOU HAVE TO HAVE SNOW TO
HAVE CHRISTMAS. There's no law that says you must stay home!
6. You have the right to
have SOME FUN. Don't be afraid of what someone will say if they see you
laughing and having a good time. Laughter is every bit as therapeutic as
tears. If you are doing something that your loved one would have also
enjoyed, think of their laughter and feel their laughter inside of you.
7. You have the right to
CHANGE DIRECTION IN MID-STREAM. Grief is unpredictable. You may be all
ready to go somewhere or do something and be suddenly overwhelmed,
immobilized. When that happens it's okay to change your mind.
8. You have the right to DO
THINGS AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Go to church or synagogue at a different time.
Open presents at a different time. Serve your meal at a different time.
Give up and go to bed at a different time. Don't be a slave to the holiday
clock.
9. You have the right to
REST, PEACE, and SOLITUDE. You don't need to be busy all the time. Take a
nap whenever you need one. Take time to pray and meditate or recharge your
spirit. It can do you much more good then eating another huge meal.
10. You have the right TO DO
IT ALL DIFFERENT AGAIN NEXT YEAR. Just because you change things one year
or try something different, does not mean you have written it in stone.
Next year, you can always change it back or do it, in yet another new way.
Think back to last year or
the year before if this is not your first. It is a little different now
then it was for you that first year. It may even bring a smile to your
face if you aren’t a newbie and have passed all of these firsts.
We can do this. It isn’t
easy, but we’ll all be here to help you through the rough spots.
Until next month, Good Grief
AnneGD
Message from the Director of Branches - Libby Morningstar
I wish to discuss a serious topic. The topic of suicide
has been high on the list of discussions lately. GROWW is about HOPE….that
through this journey called grief, you can do it. This is not to say that
you won’t have bad times or depression and you feel you just cannot
continue. Those feelings are very normal in grief and what you find at
GROWW is this thing called peer support. Yes, people helping people. We
are there for you to say that I know as bad as you feel it can and will get
better with TIME. Boy we all really hate that word in the beginning.
There is a HUGE difference in someone discussing the
feeling that they just cannot go on and that of someone coming into the
room telling us they want to end their life. GROWW is about sharing your
feelings. WE never wish to take that away from you, but GROWW will not
tolerate someone wishing to end their life and feel the need to share that
news in the room… What we will do is tell you to seek professional help
immediately.
Please be mindful that GROWW is for all grief, and many
of our friends within GROWW have lost someone to suicide. WE would not
wish this death on anyone……and we would rather not add to their pain any
further. If you learn anything for the death of your loved one it should
be that you would not wish more pain on those that care about you most,
your family, friends, and your GROWW family.
So with this being said, remember it is OK to share your
feelings, because we know there are times we have all said I just don’t see
how I can go on…but you know what…I see many many friends who now say thank
you for being there and telling me this is doable….I believe it now.
Until next month take care of YOU.
Libby
Phil’s Corner - Phil D’Ambrosio
Hi Guyz,
way back when we first started the newsletter, I wrote this article. Due
to the events over the last couple of months this one is worth repeating.
With the price of natural gas and home heating oil going through the roof;
hopefully, this will help to stretch your energy dollars a little further.
Most of you folks in the colder climates can relate to most of these
suggestions.
With winter here or
approaching, maybe I can offer some advice to you folks about keeping warm
in the coming months. No matter what kind of system you use, whether its
oil, gas, electric, wood stove fireplace, or even kerosene make sure they
are in good operating condition and SAFE!
If you have any kind of
air filters in the system, make sure they are replaced or cleaned. With
your furnace in constant use during the winter months, we don’t get to open
the windows as much as we want; and if your filters are clogged and dirty
it can put extra stress on the system. I use pleated filters. The pleats
increase the surface area and enable the filter to catch more lint, dust,
pollen, and mildew. Some of them catch up to 95% of everything that passes
through them. The extra bonus about using pleated filters is it takes
three times longer to become saturated with dust and dirt; so instead of
changing them every 30 days, you only need to change them every 90 days.
These filters may even help any folks who have respiratory problems. Make
sure the return vents are not blocked or restricted. Any restrictions will
force the furnace to work harder and cut down on its efficiency.
When I lived on Long Island we had an oil fired system. I had a service contract with the company that
sold me the oil. It’s important that you have them come in before the
start of the heating system and do preventive maintenance. This includes
changing the oil filter, cleaning or replacing the fuel nozzle, inspecting
any pumps or motors, checking for leaks etc. Ask your company for a
detailed inspection sheet. If it’s a hot water baseboard system ensure
that any water lines that have possible exposure to the cold are
insulated. The last thing you need is a pipe bursting in the attic, crawl
space or worse yet in a wall. Drain and take in any hoses that are still
outside. If possible drain and insulate the spicket. Home Depot sells
little cups that fit over them to prevent freezing.
With utility costs
rising all the time, lots of folk use portable devices such as kerosene
heaters or electric plug in units. PLEASE
be careful if you use them in your house. If you need to buy an electric
plug in make sure its got a Underwriters Label (UL) on it and has
safeguards such as a safety tip switch that turns the unit off in case of
accidental tipping.
Kerosene heaters can be
a potential hazard if used improperly. Make sure you use 1 K grade
kerosene. Always store kerosene in a separate container intended for
kerosene, NEVER in a can that has
contained gasoline. Even small amounts of gasoline or other volatile fuels
or solvents mixed with kerosene can substantially increase the risk of fire
or explosion. Rule of thumb is RED container for gas and BLUE container
for kerosene. If you purchase at the pump make sure it’s the kerosene
pump. Most service stations have separate islands for kerosene. 1K
kerosene should be purchased from a dealer who can certify that it is 1K!
Grades other than 1K can lead to the release of more pollutants in your
home, posing a possible health risk. Different grades of kerosene look the
same so be careful. Please fill the tank outdoors and make sure the unit
is cool and don’t overfill allow for expansion. Always make sure you have
a few windows open. These units produce certain pollutants such as carbon
monoxide & nitrogen dioxide. Exposure to low levels of these
pollutants may be harmful to individuals with chronic respiratory or
circulatory health problems. Follow the cleaning and maintenance
procedures recommended by the manufacturer.
Fireplaces are pretty
to look at and relaxing but there are still some responsibilities that need
to be addressed. If necessary, HAVE
YOUR CHIMNEY CHECKED AND CLEANED!!
You should have a screen, or preferably, a glass door in front to keep hot
embers from jumping onto the floor. Doors help keep the heat from going up
the chimney. Speaking of which, you should make sure the damper is in good
operating condition and the chimney open is not plugged or clogged. Burn
seasoned wood if you can. If the wood isn’t seasoned, you can add to the
plugging of your chimney by creating creosote.
Well I hope I was able
to give you folks a little info to stay warm and stay safe during the
coming months, see ya next month……………….
Guest Column submitted by Tracy (ac):
As I sit here in my home (damaged though still standing)
writing this thank you I realize it is almost Thanksgiving. I have never
really considered the meaning of the word. I mean I know the story of the
Pilgrims and the Indians and the first Thanksgiving. I have celebrated
this holiday for 47 years. I like the holiday and the thought of giving
thanks not just to God (because exactly who should be thanked for this
first celebration was in question from the beginning!) The holiday reminds
me that there have been times in my life when others have helped me out without
any thought of getting a thank you and some have even come out and said we
need no thanks. Since I lost Tim three years ago, I have become a very
self-reliant independent person, and I was proud of that. But I realize
now that sometimes we all need help and there is no shame in that. What
has amazed me since Hurricane Rita and the loss of my beloved older sister
is the outpouring of love, compassion, and hope I have been given - not
just in monetary terms but in truly selfless acts by people I have never
met in person. I give you my thanks at this time for all of you who have
reached out to help my children and me during this difficult time in our
lives. This year I have so much to be grateful for. I am grateful that
none of us was hurt, and I am grateful for friends who have given so much.
Your help and thoughts will never be forgotten and will be passed on by my
children and myself. We have learned such an important lesson through this
it is all right to accept help when offered. At one time or another we all
need help. So this year and every year after this, I will be giving thanks
to all of you for showing my children and me the true meaning of giving
thanks. It doesn’t matter what god you believe in, or even if you believe
in god, we all need to say thank you to all those who have helped us along
the way, and pass it on when we can. Thank you and have a Happy
Thanksgiving.
Poetry by Members (submitted by
Hana):
I believe
I heard the words whispered in my heart-
"you are not alone..."
but I did not believe,
and the simple message
faded away.
I felt the words as they touched my mind-
"you are not alone..."
but I did not believe,
and the gental caress
floated away.
I knew the words echoing in my soul-
"you are not alone..."
and then a hand reached out to me,
and I believed...
I am not alone.
Host Interview by Pat
Sirni – (PatS): GRHostCece
My husband,
Ron, died May 24, 1998 after a long, painful battle with COPD and
pancreatitis. As his caregiver for the final 5 years of his life, I found
myself not only in shock (even those who face the death of a spouse from a
terminal illness are most often NOT prepared), but also both physically and
emotionally exhausted. Basically numb through the memorial service
and the weeks following, and faced with severe financial, home, and
business burdens; I did not permit myself to "let go"
and really feel the pain of grief until over 7 months later. I thought
I was being a together, competent woman, and was so good at denial, that it
I perceived myself as having grieved as I should have, and thought I was
doing "OK." Man, was I ever wrong!
Just after New Years Jan '99,
after returning from my sister's home where I had spent my first
Christmas following his death, the grief I had stuffed deep inside caught
up with me, and I crashed big time. Overwhelmed with the agonizing
pain and drowning in depression, I sank lower and lower until one afternoon
I woke from a terrifying nightmare about my husband. It was so
horrific and frightening, it triggered some survival awareness in me, and I
realized I had to do something. I dressed, went to Radio
Shack, bought the cheapest computer I could find, used the free trial
accompanying online service provided, and stumbled around on the Internet
searching for grief help. I first found the AOL Widow & Widowers
chat room, which I sat in for hours, but barely spoke, and found no relief.
One day an email arrived from someone unknown to me, giving me a link to
the GROWW. I went to the website on Jan 8, 1999 and have
been there ever since.
The GROWW chat room became my
lifeline. I practically "lived" in the Widow’s room every night,
and when that room wasn't open I went to GR. My nights
were spent in Widows, and three hosts in particular, held me up many a
long night, when my bruised heart was overwhelmed; Barby, LimeyAngel, and
Marie (Awree). In March 2000, I became a host, hosted for a year,
took a year's "sabbatical," then returned, and have been hosting
ever since.
Since I am slightly disabled,
and the government was gracious enough to consider me
"unemployable," GROWW became my charity of choice to volunteer
for. Not only do I credit it with saving me from myself, but also I
see what wonders are wrought in the lives of other mourners who become
"regulars" and use the support of the site and the peers we have
in the chat room to slowly emerge from devastated, lonely and despairing
souls to men and women who have hope, laughter, joy and find themselves
looking forward to the future again; one they know they can handle.
Ron & I met in the US
Navy. He retired in '85, and I was medically discharged in '95 from
complications resulting from a life threatening car crash caused by a
drunken driver. Isn't hindsight great? Although I fought my
medical discharge for years, it proved to be a gift; as it afforded me the
ability to be at home and care for my husband through his illness.
Since we were both in the Navy, and attached the Recruiting Command, I have
lived all over the US. When he retired we moved to Texas, spending 15
years there, where we raised Appaloosa horses. I also ran a part-time
antiques & collectibles business, which became a full time occupation
when I retired.
These days I still have my
love of searching for "treasures" (old junk to most, LOL), and
dabble a bit selling on eBay. An art major in college, I still paint,
draw, and mess around with sculpture, photography, and some crafts.
Unable to hold concentration long for a couple years after Ron's died,
I was eventually able to go back to the things I had loved before
his death, and am once again a voracious reader, love flower gardening,
traveling, computer games, and having new "adventures."
Born and raised in Maine, when Ron died and I found myself alone in Texas (like many widows experience, his
family and my small circle of friends totally "disappeared" from
my life), and having had no children, most folks thought I would return to
my family in Maine. Since I had lived in the South for so many years,
no way was I returning to its long and arduous winters! So 18 months
after my husband's death, I sold our place, packed up my junk, and moved to
Florida. I have no "relatives" here but I do
have "family" here. I live very close to Barb
(LimeyAngel), just down the road from Karen (bkcurry), Bobbi moved into my
apartment complex in October when she fled from Katrina, and the rest of my
GROWW family is just a computer click away. Remember folks,
"Friends are the FAMILY we choose!"
One of the best ways to
strengthen the friendships we make in GROWW and solidify a brand new
circle of friends is to attend a GROWW gathering. Seeing the people we
have shared so much of ourselves with, who have grown to know us from the
"inside out," is such a wonderful experience. The first
gathering I attended was in the fall of 1999, right here in Panama City, Florida where I now live. I helped Limey host the gathering and we
repeated it the following year. I've also gone once to the AOL
Poconos gathering, Oklahoma City, twice to New Orleans, and several times
to Michigan. This past October, I got brave enough to host one
myself, and with the tireless help of Karen, we managed to pull it off!
For those of you reading this
who are new to loss, and just beginning your journey down the road called
bereavement, my heart goes out to you. Even though with time and
work, we can and DO heal completely, and life can be GOOD again, we never
forget what it was like. Those of us who host, those of us who
continue to come into the room to give others hope for the future still
remember what we went through, and I encourage you to use the support the
GROWW provides. Share, talk, vent -- don't be afraid to let others
know your stories, and lean on others when you need it. A truly
whole, "together" person is not some image of a competent,
unshakable, can "handle it all" robot; rather, to be whole,
means to be fully human -- with all the frailties, emotions, fears,
upheavals that being human implies. Grief does not make us crazy, but
it sure can make us feel crazy.
Know that others who have been
through this, really do understand.
Grief by its very nature makes
us incredibly self-centered; and, I think that is very necessary,
especially in the beginning. We need to be able to look closely at
what we are feeling, let ourselves feel it, and concentrate on ourselves
and our immediate emotional needs. As you progress, begin to look
outward to others, forcing yourself if necessary. Forgetting
yourself, and thinking about somebody else's plight is a sure step towards
your own healing. At first, this might just be a moment to forget
your own sorrow and comfort someone else in either the chat room or on the
message boards. Gradually, try to make an effort to step outside of
yourself, and do something nice for someone -- anyone. Start with
once a month if need be, progress to once a week; whatever you are capable
of -- but TRY. Nothing in the world feels as great as doing something
nice for someone! If tears "wash the windows of our soul so we
can see out," (as Anne often says), then kindness to others is the
perfect medication we need to "clean the corridors of our hearts."
Be kind to yourself and be
kind to others. All of you "out there" are in my thoughts
daily.
With lots of love,
Cecilia (aka Cece)
Recipe of the month (Submitted by Patti Brown):
Shoo Fly Pies
2 unbaked 8-inch pie crusts
Crumb Mixture:
2 c. all-purpose flour
3/4 c. light brown sugar
1/3 c. margarine
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 tsp. cinnamon
Pie Filling:
1 c. molasses
1/2 c. light brown sugar
2 eggs
1 c. hot water
1 tsp. baking soda, dissolved in the hot water
2 unbaked 8" pie crusts
Directions:
Mix crumb ingredients together until crumbs are formed.
In separate bowl, mix filling ingredients together. Pour
1/2 of filling into each pie shell, then top each with crumbs, using 1/2 on
each. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 350 degrees and
bake for 50 additional minutes. Cool completely before cutting.
If
you would like to submit a guest column, recipe, or poem for publication in
this newsletter, please send your submission to newsletter@groww.org
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