E-Mail Newsletter

E-Mail Newsletter
September 15, 2009	September Volume 4, Number 5
	Taking Care of You Seven Choices of Grief I often say we have a choice, and some people attack me for it. While reading Phil’s AARP magazine I found the following information and said to myself, “This is it, this is what I’ve been looking for, something that says I’m not being mean or callous when I say we do have choices.” The way I see this is that rather than going through stages, we go through choices that are available for us to go through in order to heal. As I’ve said before, it’s still all up to us, we have to do the hard work, the grief work. Read it through, see which ones are right for you, see if it makes more sense in detail. We do all have choices to make everyday, we all have to do things we don’t like to do or want to do, but we do them nonetheless. Lean on all your friends here, we all want to get through this and still be the strong people we were before our loved one died. I just lost one of my best friends to Ovarian cancer, Sue was the bravest woman I ever knew. I was so blessed to meet her and be able to spend time with her over the past 5 years or so. Grief is hard, sometimes you think you are so strong and all of sudden you melt. I needed to lean on my friends this month, we leaned on each other. I love you Mama Sue and I will never forget how much you have changed my life. While there is no set progression through grief, there is a process we follow with choices along the way. Elizabeth Harper Neeld, Ph.D., has identified "seven choices" -- the steps in the grief process. First Choice: Impact The initial crisis after the event. This phase may last days or weeks after learning of the death of your loved one. This phase can be characterized by reactions —specifically physical, behavioral, emotional, and cognitive. Second Choice: Second Crisis The second crisis occurs any time during the first few months. The numbness from impact has worn off and the bereaved may feel more pain than they believed was possible. It is important to experience the pain and not try to hide it or "be strong" for others. Friends and family members may have returned to their lives at this point, so looking into community resources may be ideal. Third Choice: Observation The next phase is a time to reminisce and re-experience the deceased, according to author Theresa A. Rando. Many old memories will be recalled, many are surprised by the amount of everyday moments they recall. Fourth Choice: The Turn In a downward swing after experiencing the loss, the bereaved starts to adjust to a life without the deceased. Hopefully, the reinvesting in life begins and the widow and/or family makes the turn upward. Fifth and Sixth Choice: Reconstruction and Working Through The bereaved has relinquished attachments to old roles, relationships, and to the world of the deceased. Instead, a new relationship with the departed —a relationship of memory - is developed. This is the time that the bereaved starts to take action and reinvest themselves in a world without their loved one. Seventh Choice: Integration Finally, in integration, we are able to think of the deceased person without pain. There is always a sense of sadness, but it lacks the wrenching quality it previously had. Times or life events that may rekindle grief reactions: Dates New and additional crises Rituals Until next time, Good grief AnneGD@groww.org Chatting Tips: staff@groww.org When you do get in to the chat room, are you finding you can’t keep up and the screen is too small? Look up at the top right hand corner and click on the button which says FLOAT... it will open a new window... now MAXIMIZE that window by clicking on the square in the upper right hand corner... the square is between the "-" and the "x"... it will make the room larger, then type chat font size 14 or 16 If you are having trouble connecting to the chat rooms, you may need to update your java. Are you getting that blue screen when you try to log on? Try this link and follow the instructions, it should solve your problem http://java.sun.com/getjava/download.html Blue Screen:* Are you getting a blue screen all of a sudden when you try to get into GROWW, it could be your browser. We have seen it happen a little more frequently lately. It happens mostly with AOL and IE browsers. If this happens to you, try downloading the firefox browser, this has corrected the problem each time. We aren’t sure why it is happening, but that seems to be the fix.
	New Children’s Book on Grief Dear GROWW, First, let me say that your mission, your services, and your outlooks are simply beautiful, And I am so impressed by everything that you are doing to help families cope with loss on a daily basis! How inspirational, and touching! I commend you on your efforts, your insight, and your devotion! By way of introduction, my name is Cary Ballas. In 2006, my third born son, Finlay passed away suddenly and unexpectedly due to S.I.D.S. He was one day shy of five months. Finlay is survived by his two brothers, now ages five and six, and his younger sister, who is now three. After spending hours upon hours researching what literature was available to help explain death to young children In a way that was both hopeful, and non-scary, and finding very little, I began to get discouraged. Our three living children have had a ton of questions over the years about the loss of their brother. They have also experienced very natural fears and concerns as a result of our family’s loss. Our experience of losing a child, and watching our other children struggle to understand and cope with the passing of their brother inspired us to write a story together based on how our five year old son, Hunter, has come to understand the passing of his brother, Finlay, in a way that is both gentle and understandable. Our story, titled, “Finlay’s Garden, An Intuitive Look Into Death And The Meaning of Life, For The Young And The Young At Heart,” is currently being published by Halo Publishing Company (based in Ohio.) It is a timeless tale that is fully illustrated and designed to help adults and children who lose loved ones. It is my firm conviction that there should probably be more resources available to families like ours, who have young children trying to understand the very broad, and often, overwhelming concept of death. It is our hope that Finlay’s Garden, which has been strategically designed to inspire hope, communication, and understanding for children and adults alike, will be a positive resource to other families and groups who are faced to deal with the loss of loved ones. I wanted to invite you and your entire community to be aware of this publication and/or resource, and perhaps have some books to keep on hand. The book itself is available through www.finlaysgarden.com or through Halo Publishing’s website. There is also a facebook fan page just under Finlay’s Garden. I thank you for taking the time to read about this resource, and encourage you to share this information with the many people and families who are helped through your community. I also thank you for your dedication to helping families like ours, who experience loss in their lives, and congratulate you on your website, your resources, and your positivity! I have every confidence that your organization touches the lives of countless people each and every day, and your mission is one of tremendous necessity in this world today! Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or if I can be of any help or assistance. Have a wonderful day, and best wishes! Cary Ballas Social worker/counselor/ author/illustrator Cjaneb877@comcast.net In Loving Memory Sue McMullen (vert, Mama, X) May 24, 1936 - August 27, 2009 Once in a great while, if we are very lucky and things work out just right, we meet a person whose friendship will live in our heart forever. Sometimes that meeting occurs behind, and in spite of, the anonymity of a computer screen. Vert was such a person for many of us. Diagnosed with unforgiving ovarian cancer 4 ½ years ago, she endured years of increasingly debilitating chemotherapy. In spite of physical abilities abandoning her and increasing pain, vert never whined. Ever. (She was often teased in pc that she simply lacked that gift. She’d lol and say she’d study real whiners and practice up. Never happened.) I was not fortunate enough to meet vert in person. But - as we agreed - our hearts met years ago, thanks to GROWW.. And that was sufficient for us. As was typical of her, vert faced her imminent death with deep regret for the sorrow she knew that we who loved her so would face. Especially, of course, her family; which included AnneGD, who had become family many years ago and who flew to Chicago to attend the service for the Mama she loved and will love forever. I knew of the impact that vert had on many of us. Since her death, I have learned of many more. It makes my heart smile. Vert’s whole self made my heart smile. And I will smile again, as she would wish. Goodnight (((((((((((((((( Excellency ))))))))))))))) with great and forever love from pStg and your soft cooked egg.
	Poetry This has been shared before, but it is so appropriate for this Newsletter. GROWW FRIENDS Each morning after I awake I arise and sit on the edge of my bed Thoughts soon run through my mind I hear myself ask, can I get through another day I get up walking over and looking into the mirror Seeing myself, I looked more than my years It’s all happened since the untimely death Silently I ask God for someone to help me with my day After dressing I sit at my computer and go online I find GROWW on my desktop and click on its icon Like so many times I’ve done before It helps to talk to friends who have become a new family to me We’ll share our hurts and sorrows, maybe a laugh or two And somewhere through the tears and sadness I’ll find comfort and peace has befallen on me My GROWW friends have become most precious to me By Doyle Alldredge a.k.a. GRHostDoyle Links: http://www.beliefnet.com/
	Recipes Easy Smoothie (1 serving) 1/4 C milk 1/4 C orange juice 1 banana, peeled and broken into chunks 5 ice cubes, crushed Put all the above into a blender and whirl it. Enjoy. Quasi Quesadilla (1 serving) 1 flour tortilla chile jack cheese or any cheese you prefer Fold the tortilla in half and insert sliced cheese. Wrap in a paper towel and microwave on high for 1 minute. Carefully unwrap, as the cheese will be hot. I cut it into 4 pieces with kitchen scissors. Yum.